Below Deck Med: Lara Is Italian For Nasty

We open with the continuing power struggle between Hannah and Lara over simple respect and acknowledgement. Lara apparently doesn’t possess the ability to do either. Thanks to Google translate I learned that cattiva is Italian for nasty. Lara is definitely catty and not a team player. Hannah decides to bump up her call time to 6:00 AM from 6:30 as punishment. There will be no calm seas ahead for day 2 of the charter, so buckle up.

Back in the crew mess, Hannah gives Jessica orders to prioritize breakfast service over cabins. That tidbit will be important to remember in the morning. Before we get to that we see Malia talking on the phone to her boyfriend Tom. He’s in yachting also and a chef. If that doesn’t ding flashback bells for you, the editors help out with a Malia and Adam selfie. Apparently the way to a woman’s heart is through her stomach too. Malia is worried that bromances are forming and it’s going to make her job leading them much more difficult. If nothing else, Pete’s gone from calling her sweetheart to “boss” which is at least a step in the right direction. We’re left to wonder whether she called him on it or if he made the move on his own though, because there’s no footage to confirm either possibility.

The next morning Kiko is making fluffy American pancakes. Take that, Mila! He didn’t even use pancake mix. Jessica is making the juice while Lara is serving and when Kiko asks for the egg orders, Lara says she’s not going to ask until the juice is done and served. Jessica doesn’t understand why it has to wait, nor does Kiko or anyone else who’s ever worked in the food industry. Lara finally takes their orders and “over easy” seems to be an American term. When Kiko asks Lara what it means, she tersely says that he is the chef and it’s his job to find out. Thankfully Jessica explains and he prepares their eggs only to have Lara walk off and not serve them as they sit there getting cold. She finally deigns to return and take them and then orders Jessica to go do cabins. Jessica lets her know they’re both supposed to be on service and Lara tells her that they’re not according to the list.

Watch and learn, Mila.

For someone who’s supposedly served on yachts for 8 years, I can’t believe that Lara doesn’t recognize that lists are guidelines not strict and steadfast, and that you have to be fluid when catering to guests. I feel like I’m being punked, the same way I did with Mila last season. After a season of Jenna on BDSY, the last thing I’m interested in seeing is another bratty stew. When Hannah wakes up even Kiko (the mellowest surfer dude in the land) says he wants only her and Jessica on service from now on. That should speak volumes.

In a bittersweet aside at the crew breakfast, Rob shares with Malia a dark part of his past. Apparently he worked as a transporter for what he believes were drugs to an airport in Capetown. He needed to earn money quickly to help get his mother into rehab. She was an alcoholic and he felt the need to do anything he could to help her. Unfortunately we learn that she passed away 8 years ago. He said they celebrated her with tons of alcohol, which considering her dark sense of humor he feels she would have loved.

The main charter guest Chris enlists the crew’s help in pranking his friends. He wants Smirnoff Ices hidden all over the boat, so when his friends come across them they’re forced to chug them down. I actually thought that was pretty clever. Too bad they don’t make Zima anymore or it would have been the perfect substitute.

Do you think Smirnoff Ice paid part of the charter fee?

Malia and the deck crew are getting the toys out for the guests and the Captain shows up to oversee them. Malia always wants to impress her bosses, but especially Sandy. She wants the Captain to see how far she’s come. Sandy’s one rule is that every toy is out because she wants their yacht to look like the most fun on the water for every onlooker. What may come off as overkill to some is actually a pretty good marketing strategy. Way to secure future cha-ching, Cap.

Hannah asks Lara to check on the stock for the water and Lara can’t find main deck aft. Again I feel like Ashton Kutcher will be hiding under a flotation device somewhere. She goes to get Hannah to show her, and when Hannah does, Lara refuses to go in and then walks off. The utter insubordination of it all is mind-boggling. Pete winds up offering to get it. Score one for The Unit.

Lara is sent on break until 2:15 and she makes herself lunch and eats with Captain Sandy in the crew mess. This is where it all comes together as calculated strategy on Lara’s part. She’s sweet as sugar to the Captain. And now Sandy (whose meddling is renowned at this point) decides she wants to see Lara on service because of her experience. Riddle me this…how can Sandy, who pops up everywhere like a whack-a-mole have no clue how poorly breakfast went. And that her beloved Kiko was even treated poorly by Lara. It makes zero sense.

Not enough oxygen on that boat to deep breathe out the Lara-ness.

As the guests enjoy all of the water toys, Hannah asks Lara to stop cleaning the crew mess and work on the laundry. Lara refuses because that’s not what the list says and Hannah can’t order her around. What in the actual heck? That’s actually the primary duty of Hannah’s job description. Lara went to move Hannah’s arm and Hannah’s head nearly blew off as she spat out, “Lady, Don’t. touch. me.” I thought it was going to come to blows…or at least slaps, but Hannah walked away and did some deep cleansing breaths with Jessica. (My closed captioning called it “hissing” which was probably more apt.)

Kiko may be a great chef, but he’s going to have to work on time management and pick the pace up as the guests were forced to wait for yet another meal. Sandy the Shadow was right there to get feedback and passes it along to Kiko that speed is important. Kiko’s philosophy has been that he’d rather they complained about timing than taste, because the taste will make them forget about the timing. It hasn’t worked with these guests so far, so he’ll need to find the same kind of balance required in surfing.

The guests enjoy the slide and Alex is finally getting some screen time. He seems to have a lot of respect for Malia, because he was raised by his mom and knows and admires a powerful woman. Pete, on the other hand, struck a dissonant chord when he walked off while Malia was speaking. Female sheep may lack horns, but I see a head-butting contest in the near future.

Seriously…how pretty is that cake? Kiko rocks!

It’s time for Chris’s sister Jessica’s birthday dinner and the Captain is joining them. Kiko wants to do upscale Mexican fare, but accidentally forgot to make a portion. Fortunately one of the guests requested a half portion at the beginning of the meal, so Hannah was able to cover it nicely. What she didn’t have covered were the steak knives required for the main course. Sandy instantly assumes that the steaks were tough, instead of considering that the right utensil would make all of the difference. She did apologize to Kiko over the radio in front of the guests though, which is something, I guess.

The next morning, the head-butting is upon us as Pete is attempting to teach Alex the anchoring process. While he’s explaining though he stumbles on which valve to turn first. Malia is right there and offers to show them both and it gets a little tense, so she calls Pete to the side. She forcefully but politely acknowledges his experience, but wants him to know that if he tries to go against her in front of the guys he won’t be lead deck hand anymore. I think this is a build up of several slights on his part, but I thought she handled it well overall.

The charter is finished and the guests leave happy. The awkward hug between Chris and Lara was my favorite part. The crew’s favorite part was getting a 1500 Euro per person tip. Hannah tries to talk to Captain Sandy about the struggles with Lara, but Sandy naively falls back on the fact that Lara was nice to her. She wants Hannah to turn it around. Hannah tries, but Lara is again highly confrontational. Hannah beckons Sandy for help, and Sandy’s bummed she can’t eat her cereal first. Really? I hope her hangriness is taken out on the right person, but we’ll have to wait until next week to find out. I hope you’ll join me.

Full time housewife, mom, and grandma with more opinions than my family can handle, so I share them with the internet instead.

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