Buckle up, Deckers, you’re in for a bumpy episode. I can’t help but harken back to the old intro to MTV’s The Real World, when we find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real. There’s definitely an abundance of that this episode, so let’s break it all down.
Morning dawned after James and Elizabeth’s hot tub tete a tete. Their polar opposite ways of handling it told us all we needed to know about whether this is a love match or a boatmance. Elizabeth was in a state of Nirvana that showed all over her face and she had zero hesitation in kissing and telling. James, on the other hand, was very coy and tight-lipped…which if he had any sense he would have employed the previous night. His philosophy is the less people that know, the better. I mean, how else is a player supposed to keep playing when he tires of the conquest he achieved? He blamed his hesitation to get serious on a girlfriend who cheated on him five years ago, but in my most humble opinion it’s just an easy way to write off being a horn dog.
Izzy and Eddie were chatting on deck about Eddie’s annoyance with Rachel during their night out. Eddie thinks she’s amazing in her element, but equated her to an evil gremlin when she’s drinking. Izzy one-upped him and dubbed her Gollum on crack. Y’all know I’m team Izzy on this one.
Speaking of teams, I’ve been fairly solidly Team Francesca up to this point, but there were some glaring examples of ways she could communicate better with Elizabeth. Her gossiping to Ashling that Liz was five minutes late without even radioing her or looking for her was a bad assumption on her part. Liz was already cleaning up at that point. Unless there’s a daily standing meeting that I’m unaware of, Chess was in the wrong on this. She also came at Liz a little aggressively during their chat in the master. Tone matters, and the tone she used almost gave Liz free license to play the victim…which of course she did. Liz summed up the talk as first having her second stripe taken away and now having her co-workers sympathy taken from her. :Insert violin music here:
Next came the preference sheet meeting and I had to laugh as Cap asked if he was “tardy for the party” after having seen him on Watch What Happens Live with Kim Zolciak. Way to be a company guy and cross-promote. The primaries are Tina and Mark Milani and I found out there’s something worse than listing 30 different meals on a preference sheet. Apparently being “boat people” is the kiss of death. Tina and Mark have their own yacht, spend a ton of time at their yacht club and are bringing boating friends along with them. Everyone is going to have to be on their A-game if they expect a hefty tip from people who know all of the ins and outs of what goes into yachting.
I was giggling at the contrast of Rob and Eddie ooh-ing and ah-ing while ogling knots they had Googled, in comparison to James and Liz ogling each other. I have to say, James may be a bit of a dog himself, but his three little Frenchies are adorable. I think Elizabeth was expecting a little less conversation and more action, but she didn’t get her wish. Set your bra crystals out under a full moon and charge ’em up, girlie, because they’re losing their power.
The next day it’s time to pick up the guests, and Izzy’s not feeling well, Captain Lee is pantless, and Francesca accidentally put on the two stripes she took back from Liz instead of her three. Those may not be obvious omens of what’s to come, but trust that they should now be considered harbingers of doom.
Ashling is also showing us a bit more of her sassy side and I like it. Between calling James an “Eff” boy and getting her hackles up over Liz trying to make her look like she communicated poorly about where the starch was, she was on fire this episode. No more Miss Nice Girl. She had a flame flickering in her eyes when she shared she was tired of picking up Liz’s slack and that’s she’s full-on Team Francesca. Even Rachel showed disappointment in Liz choosing to hook up with James, and she considers Liz a friend. Looks like Team Sympathy is losing members by the minute.
The guests arrive and I think they confused their classy yachting adventure in the Caribbean with a harbor booze cruise. Production had a champagne bottle counter going in the corner and (spoiler alert) by dinner it was already at five.
Chess deciding to take a break right after their arrival seemed like a dumb move to me. You don’t get a second chance to make a first impression. Leaving Liz to tend to the guests when she made the guests from two charters ago wait over 40 minutes without checking in is a poor management decision. At least have Ashling do it. As one would expect, the guests were not pleased and were contemplating self-service, but settled for wandering down to the galley and having Rachel radio for refills.
Eddie and Francesca then went over the plans for the next day with the guests, and his talking hands impression of them rattling off every activity under the sun cracked me up. He apparently hates boat people too. He was even trying to give the Captain tips on excuses he could make to get out of the Roaring 20’s dinner they asked him to attend. Which by the way, was another oopsie on Francesca’s part, because she failed to tell Rachel that Captain Lee was attending.
Eddie let Izzy knock of early, so she could hopefully get some rest and start feeling better. Izzy was anxious that it could be her Guillain-Barre returning. She was dreading the possibility of her body failing her and being unable to finish out the season. I really felt for her in that moment. Chronic illnesses have a way of making it hard to live the life you plan to.
Finally we’re treated to the main event. In the red corner we have a stone sober Captain dressed to the nines topped off with his stylin’ snakeskin boots. In the blue corner we have a gaggle of drunks, including one way over-served gal named Delores. (By the way, if you zoomed in on the preference sheet, Tina and Mark aren’t claiming her. She’s a friend of Marcia the hair dresser and she’s known to them as the “knowledge sorceress” whatever the heck that is.) Delores’ version of trashfish almost makes Rachel’s seem tame. She’s full of inappropriate questions and suggestions for Cap, including wanting to see him swim naked. Captain Lee dubbed her drunker than a four peckered goat. I have no clue what that means, but it sounded accurate.
Rachel knocked the food out of the park with her creativity and Captain Lee tried several times to change the topic of conversation to the meal. The dessert had barely hit the table when he decided to up and bail. I don’t blame him. Awkward doesn’t begin to cover that hot mess.
But wait…there’s another round to go in this bout. Drunk and disorderly Delores decided she was going to head for the hot tub fully clothed. However, she became distracted along the way by the fish in the water and wanted peas to feed them. Who knew fish liked peas? Then she decided she wanted to go for a swim and Francesca quickly called over the radio to James for back-up. Captain Lee must’ve sensed trouble because he immediately went to the nearest rail and began to bellow down to Delores that she was not to jump in the water. And then she promptly did. Oh my heck, was Cap ever pissed.
He hustled down and started swearing like the sailor he is at her and told her to swim back to the boat. Her reply was to ask for bacon. Lady, your butt is about to be on the menu, not Oscar Mayer’s. Cap almost had steam coming out of his ears at that point and totally lost it. He directed James to get the swim platform or a ladder and then went inside and told the other guests that their charter was over and they’re heading back to the dock. We’re left hanging as to whether they can talk him down or not, but I for one can’t wait to see what happens next week. I hope you’ll join me.
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