Real Housewives of New York City: Regress, Regret, Repeat

On the shores of Newport, Rhode Island Leah is quizzing everyone on whether she had made them uncomfortable during her drunken tantrum. Ramona and Sonja both fessed up that it bothered them. Luann tried to make light with comparing Leah to the Tasmanian Devil. And Elyse turned into Dr. Joyce Brothers yet again and tried to get to the psychological root of the issue. In my mind it’s simple. What Leah sees as moderation, most see as inebriation. That said, no one was sent to the hospital, Leah felt like it was cathartic, so let’s move on.

They head to lunch and Leah’s sister Sarah arrives. She gets a welcoming hug from Ramona, Tinsley, and Luann, warm hellos from Elyse and Dorinda, and a terse greeting from Sonja. Rather than the straw that stirs the drink, Sonja is being the ice cube that chills it. Sarah is happy to have the opportunity to get away for 24 hours for the first time since she had her seven month old. We find out she lives in Williamsburg in Brooklyn, and I can’t help but flashback to Alex and Simon. As if on cue, Dorinda shares a story she saw on the local news about the best macaroons in town being from a store there. She goes on to say that she told her daughter they needed to book a hotel and go because it’s so far away. I Googled it, and it’s a half an hour. These women are nuts. It takes hours to get to Southampton and you never hear a peep out of them.

After lunch the younger crowd are bonding and taking selfies in “the best light ever.” Tinsley kisses Sarah on the cheek in the photo and Sarah mentions she much preferred that to when Leah gets gropey with her. Somehow that turns into Tinsley asking them if they’ve ever made out and confessing to making out with her own sister Dabney as a joke. Leah thought Tinsley said it was when they were ten and brushed it off as no big deal, until she finds out she missed the last half of the sentence. It was ten years ago, and now Leah’s a little weirded out.

It’s like kissing your sister

Dorinda drops by Luann’s room before dinner and she’s not even over the threshold before she lets Lu know she’s been partaking in Domaines Ott alone in her room. Per their website it has “conviviality and friendship at its heart.” Marketing apparently didn’t think “slur inducer” would help it sell as well. Far from the promised liveliness, it and a phone call with John have got Dorinda in the dumps. She’d honestly prefer to not speak to him right now, because it reminds her that she’s alone. Lu was great and supportive during their talk and actually listened. So good in fact, that I almost didn’t notice that she had not one, but two bottles of wine on hand in her room. So much for the glass or two with dinner.

Speaking of dinner, Tinsley has organized one for the group at one of her friend’s restaurants. I find it interesting that Leah is asking Tinsley if she’s worried about the ladies embarrassing her at her friend’s establishment. Not that these ladies don’t have their moments, but it wasn’t them lying in the grass screaming and picking up chairs the night before.

The other women arrive and like moths to the proverbial flames Ramona and Sonja head to the bar to scout out men and Luann follows. Tinsley is in a tizzy about the whole thing and thinks it’s improper to go to the bar when the table is already available. I don’t get the big deal, to be honest. In fact I think it would have been less of an issue if she hadn’t been so dramatic about it. Once again Ramona is catching all of the grief when Sonja and Luann are doing the same thing.

It wasn’t just Ramona trying to show she’s still got it.

Leah and Sarah head over thinking they’re immediately going to draw the attention away from the men their friends are talking to, and when that doesn’t happen, they get rude, and one of the men gets extremely abrasive. All of that was more embarrassing in my book than watching cougars be cougars, but everyone sees things differently.

The ladies finally decide to take a seat and instead of just letting it go, Tinsley goes into screech mode. Again, if you don’t want to be embarrassed, don’t add to the scene. But Ramona and Sonja need to learn that as well as Ramona begins to choke herself with the dried corn decoration and Sonja holds miniature squash up to her ears. The whole sight is too sore for Dorinda’s bleary eyes and she leaves to binge Ghost Hunters. I’d rather be watching Grant and his crew at the moment myself.

Ramona and Sonja then make things worse by talking about Sarah while she and Leah are still at the table. Now is when anyone can go full force in on Ramona with my blessing. That was just rude. I don’t care if she didn’t really want Sarah there in the first place, she allowed her to come and she’s behaving abominably in a much more public setting than they were in the night before. Leah has had it at this point and before she, Sarah, and Tinsley walk out she tosses a ravioli at Ramona. At least it was pesto and not marinara. Luann comes back in and decides to light the dried corn on fire to smudge the energy. I’m guessing Tinsley’s friend won’t be allowing them to film there again anytime soon.

Pretty sure you use sage and not corn, but whatevs.

The next morning Luann and Dorinda decide they’re going to have to organize some sort of meeting of the minds to clear the air when they get back to the city. Over in Leah’s room, Sarah complains that she’s really upset that she took the time to come and had a miserable experience. I don’t know her well yet, but complaining about a free vacation while wearing black sunglasses indoors came off very first world problem-y to me.

Back in the city Leah has lunch with her parents Bryan and Bunny. Bryan decides to start it off with an Old Fashioned and will maybe have a glass of wine or two with the meal. Leah all of a sudden thinks that’s a lot and opts for water since she’s already on thin ice with her mom. She goes on to tell her parents half truths about what occurred in Newport. So vague in fact that her mom thinks she was doing cartwheels at a gym. Leah downplays it and says that the ladies are wild, so it’s no big deal. Her mom is afraid that it’s a slippery slope that will affect Leah’s sobriety. She also goes on to share that genetically speaking Leah is prone to alcoholic tendencies which Bryan is quick to claim credit for. I have to say, I feel slightly vindicated after catching flack for thinking Leah had an alcohol problem. Her own mother does.

To avoid those issues at their Kum Bay Yah lunch, Dorinda and Luann have decided to have an English tea with no alcohol in sight. I should say that Dorinda decided, because Luann’s contribution to hostessing was showing up. The theme is Relax, Relate, and Reset, and it starts off with Leah and Ramona clearing the air. In my opinion Ramona had things to apologize for as well, but Leah didn’t force her to and they hugged and made up.

Detective Meddler with built-in satellite dish for instant intel

After a game of musical chairs Dorinda asks to pull Tinsley aside. Detective Dorinda apparently has spies everywhere, even in Niagara Falls and she has photographic evidence that Tinsley and Scott were there together. What is this madness going on with Dorinda? Since she first started on the show we’ve been hearing about dossiers and files on people. Why is it any of her business? That’s so creepy to me thinking a friend is keeping tabs on you wherever you go. I’d be reticent to share information with her too for fear it would wind up in some underground humidity-controlled bunker filled with file cabinets for her to use whenever she wants to deflect.

She all but forces Tinsley to announce it to the group, and I find myself again feeling sorry for pink flowered ponytail holder Barbie. When you don’t know where something is going, you almost dare not speak of it for fear of jinxing it. It wasn’t that long ago that Luann didn’t even want to share Tom’s name with the ladies. And Dorinda announced her breakup through the press for crying out loud. The double standards with these women are almost as ubiquitous as the doubles on the rocks are.

Next week we have birthday beef, ghoulish delights, and a toast to a secret about Tinsley that leaves a whiskered Luann agape. I hope you’ll join me!

Full time housewife, mom, and grandma with more opinions than my family can handle, so I share them with the internet instead.

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