Vanderpump Rules: A Tale of Two Scheanas

Just when you thought it was safe (and wedding-free) to dive back into Pump waters, here we go again. I will say, if there has to be a wedding, this is the way to go. First off, it’s only one episode. Second, it was light and fun and focused mostly on the original group. I’d expected to warm up to some of the newbies by now, but it hasn’t happened yet, so this felt like old times.

We start off with a “Who’s going to officiate” showdown; Sandoval vs. Stassi edition. Both options made sense to me, since each of them has a bestie relationship with half of the couple. They decided to lay down their swords of personal animosity and share the spotlight. Second wedding, two officiants…seems like the perfect solution.

Danica, Scheana, and Charli get together and after the obligatory mention of Scheana’s egg freezing (it’s the new Rob dontcha know) they discuss the only other thing going on with the new gang…Dayna and Brett. I feel like I should care more, but I can’t muster it. Every move Dayna makes seems calculated for camera time which makes it difficult to give it energy and interest. The best part of the conversation was Charli’s observation of what she’s learned about L.A, “Everyone bangs each other and they don’t care.” And “Vaginas don’t have a face.” She may be pasta-averse and ditzy, but she summed this show up in two sentences.

Lisa’s arranged the transportation and the rooms to make sure Katie and Tom’s second go-around is official. Tom and Katie get to fly up with Ken and Lisa and Tom gets to see how the other half lives. That half being LVP’s pets. Oh, to have Puffy’s life. While unpacking Tom finds a bra in his suitcase that he assumes is Katie’s. She swears she’s never seen it before. I know we were supposed to think that Tom is catting around again, but my first thought was that it belonged to one of Sandoval’s personas.

Maybe Sandoval borrowed the suitcase for BravoCon?

Scheana resurfaces to pick up her check before her retrieval surgery (or to fill her quota of the number of times she needs to mention it.) She runs into Dayna who (full-circle moment) is polishing glasses. Scheana takes the opportunity to apologize for stirring things up with Max and admits she did have a crush on Brett at the beginning, but they’re better as friends. I know Scheana gets a lot of grief…even from me…but when it comes down to it, she owns her behavior more than most of the cast.

Back in Vegas, Beau is trying to build up the courage to ask Stassi’s dad Mark for his blessing, so he can propose to Stassi. Mark only hedged for a second, with comments about Beau’s initial trepidation to even date Stassi, but then gave his consent and said he thought Beau would be a great husband. He then threw in a dig that he couldn’t promise that Stassi would make a good wife. Ouch! With a dad like that, who needs frenemies?

Kristen makes her lone appearance in this episode while visiting Scheana post-retrieval. I think that makes three on the egg-tracker, but who’s counting? For a procedure that takes a whopping five minutes, this story is hard boiled and cracked. They change topics to how hurt Kristen is to not be invited, and I believe her. I also think she’s being iced out of the show. I’ve heard arguments pro and con about whether it’s fair, but life is rarely fair. She’s yet to show me anything compelling this season, so as much as I feel for her, I’m fine either way.

Can the world handle two?

Down at Vanderpump Cocktail Garden Scheana makes another appearance of sorts in the form of her doppelgänger Karrah. Most of the time when people talk about lookalikes, I don’t see the resemblance, but this girl comes pretty close to the real deal. She even has Scheana’s mannerisms and laugh which was a little disturbing. Lisa lets Katie in on the fact that the bra in Tom’s suitcase is hers, and she felt like a prank was due to pay him back for having to go through another wedding.

The next morning Katie tells Tom she doesn’t know if she can marry him after finding that bra in his suitcase. She makes him squirm for a second and then tells him she knows whose bra it is and asks him whose he hopes it would be. He’s thrilled that it’s Lisa’s and hopes she forgets he has it so he can keep it, but not in a weird way. I agree with Katie for a change that there’s no way that isn’t weird, especially since he smelled it. He described it as a combination of diamonds, rose’, and tangerine in case anyone was wondering.

Danica meets up with Dayna to ooh and ah over some of the tackiest clothes I’ve ever seen. The ladies of the evening that hang out in Over The Rhine in downtown Cincinnati wear more demure clothing, but then again, I’m a prude and have zero fashion sense. Danica thinks Dayna deserves better than Brett and her logic is backed up by the fact that Dayna is a Leo and Brett is a Pisces. If that doesn’t make sense to you either, it might become clearer when she says she has two former Pisces boyfriends that have restraining orders out on her. Why are we not delving more into her personal life? It sounds way more interesting.

The twice in a lifetime moment has arrived and it’s short, sweet, and tacky, like all Vegas weddings. Stassi is a nun (no lightning bolts unfortunately) and Sandoval is a reverend Elvis. Extra indeed. Paperwork is signed and sealed and it should be official now.

Is Brett out-crushing Schwartz when it comes to Lisa?

Back in WeHo, Dayna and Brett go on a double date with Raquel and James. I may be alone in this, but I’m liking sober James. He seems genuinely happy for the first time in a while. His face when Brett was discussing his mommy’s milk issues with Lisa was priceless. I was equally disturbed, but I couldn’t help but laugh at the flashback of his saucer eyes when Lisa waltzed through SUR. His crush might outweigh Schwartz’s.

As they wrap up in Vegas, Lisa calls to check in with Max about a liquor payment and he bemoans the mess the other guys made of his room. She Facetimes him to survey the damage and notices a female-shaped form under the sheets. Surprise! It’s Scheana’s stunt double Karrah, and now Max has a tale of two Scheana’s to go in his diary. Dickens would be proud. The rest of us are left scratching our heads at the appeal.

Hope you’ll come back next week to find out what Lisa was thinking when it came to recommending an invite for Kristen to Beau and Stassi’s post engagement party!

Full time housewife, mom, and grandma with more opinions than my family can handle, so I share them with the internet instead.

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