Vanderpump Rules: Donezo

We’ve made it through the longest wedding festivities in reality TV history, forced love triangles, sobriety struggles, dueling pool parties, and now we’re at the point where it’s time to friend or get off the pot.

The show opens with Dayna trying to clarify Brett’s comment about not having feelings for her to all of us that apparently don’t speak English. We understood exactly what he meant, because he said it. She’s adding subtext to make it more palatable for her ego. I personally think Max is a skeevemeister to the Nth degree, but that doesn’t mean he’s wrong about Dayna going after Brett out of spite. I had to laugh at how forceful Brett was when discussing how upset he was at Scheana and then the moment Scheana comes over he gets all mealy-mouthed. Scheana’s been doing this gig for a while now and in one confessional she can make him look like a hapless and humorless moron.

Max is finally allowed entrance into the inner sanctum at Villa Rosa. I enjoyed Schwartz’s obsessive deference to Lisa and her home even to the point of telling Max not to get his greasy fingerprints on anything. The three of them are discussing the Hollywood Reporter shoot and the one year anniversary party at Tom Tom. Talk turns to the dueling pool parties and Lisa lets them know that she wants none of that fighting at the shoot. Schwartz attempts to assure her with (of all things) a pinky swear. Successful partner in a bar or not, Schwartz will always be goofy.

I wasn’t aware Tom’s hair moved enough to require a hair net.

On the other side of town, with less expensive but still pricey air, Sandoval and Ariana are getting their youth maintenance on at an airbrush tanning and sugar spa. As they’re waiting Ariana shares that she texted Brittany to let her know she still loves her, but that not everyone has the same level of patience for Jax’s antics anymore. Sandoval sees it as a respect thing and that Jax needs to start acting like an adult. Understatement of the century, and it actually applies to all of them considering very few of them have seen their twenties in several years, let alone 18.

Ariana then goes on to complain about what Kristen told her that Scheana shared about what Stassi said, which I guess is what adults do. Seriously though, I have no stanships on this show. I have people I like more than others, but if people I like screw up, I call them out. Ariana screwed up by believing a statement funneled through the telephone game and used that as an excuse to create the new moniker “Stassi Bad Credit Schroeder.” Considering it was Lala who made the comment and not Stassi, Ariana should’ve taken the high road.

Stassi, Katie, Brittany and Lala all meet up at Lala and Rand’s house. Lala is trying very hard to put forth housewife airs, which suit her about as much as a latex body suit would work for my portly bumpkin self. Maybe she’s trying to plan for a future after Pump Rules where she can transition over to RHOBH? Katie feels uncomfortable because there’s never been tension between her and Brittany before. To avoid the topic she goes to the one never shuts up about…Kristen. Apparently Kristen gave her dirty looks at the pool party. Ooooh, the nerve. Couldn’t possibly be that Katie has a permanent scowl and Kristen was just returning it in kind.

Lala shifts the topic to whether Katie and Brittany are all good. Brittany tries to explain that she wasn’t throwing Katie’s rage texts in her face, but that she was just using them as an example to get to understanding. Katie insists that they aren’t the same thing, because hers didn’t ever come out of nowhere, there was always a reason. The reason being that she’s a bitter hag when she’s drunk, and a regular hag when she isn’t. She can try to justify herself all she wants to, but she and Jax both have anger issues and neither are what I’d consider happy people.

Not only physically healthy, but emotionally too.

My favorite part of the episode was the moment between James and his mom. He really has come such a long way this season. Getting sober allowed his mom to get a job and health insurance, which in turn allowed her to get a mammogram. The early detection and the double mastectomy likely saved her life. Him being able to witness how interconnected things in life can be is a great testimony that may help keep James on track in his sobriety also. I’m rooting for both of them.

Stassi and Beau are house hunting and Beau makes it very clear that Stassi will be the one putting up the down payment. He’s been living in a rent controlled apartment for 15 years, and while he has a good job, he doesn’t have NYT Best Selling Author money. Stassi wants to look for a house with character and doesn’t want to be the fourth one to buy a modern farmhouse in Valley Village. True confessions…I had to look up Mendocino Farms to find out it was a restaurant. Her digs are getting a little too niche for this Ohio gal. I can’t understand why a difference in taste has to lead to an insult aimed at your friends. This show and the cast would be a whole lot more palatable if they learned the art of self deprecation.

Decision making time has arrived in regard to the Tom Tom expansion. Or more aptly put, the time to air it has arrived. I have little doubt that this was the plan all along and it was never meant to be a standalone venture. I struggle with these fake scenarios in reality TV and wish they could forgo them altogether, but it’s the nature of the beast. Tom and Tom are all in and Nick Alain’s mock-up looks gorgeous. Not sure how congruent steam punk and garden themes are, but I’m not a multi-million dollar restaurateur so I’ll shut up now.

Nick Alain’s Garden at Tom Tom Mock Up

We finally get to the photo shoot and there are folks from all of Lisa and Ken’s businesses. Scheana’s doppelganger Karrah is there too and Max’s eyes about rolled out of his head. Lisa had told him she was coming, but he had assumed with as much as she likes to tease, that it was a joke. The scene with her and Scheana telling each other how good they looked was priceless. They even bonded over being Eskimo sisters which was super odd to me.

It wasn’t only Max’s thickly coated with product (read as greasy) feathers that got ruffled by Karrah though. Danica also got her knickers in a bunch because a somewhat tipsy Karrah was inserting herself into the make-up session between Ariana and Stassi. Scheana had been called over to clarify and Scheana’s shadow followed. By the way, the flashback clearly showed that it was Lala who made the comment that offended Ariana as I stated above. Scheana stuck by her version, but Ariana chose to believe Stassi for the simple fact that Stassi never has a problem owning nasty things she says.

All of that being resolved wasn’t enough to calm Danica down though. She kept going at Karrah for just smiling at her. Apparently wine spilling and shoving was involved and Lisa stepped in and asked Danica to leave. Just when it was starting to get good too!

The next amends to be made are between James and Randall. James took ownership of all of the things he said and gave a sincere apology with a promise that it wouldn’t happen anymore. Rand graciously accepted and is eager to start a new chapter with James, even going so far as to invite James to his upcoming wedding to Lala.

Lots of Fresh Faces to Choose From For Next Season.

There was no hope for the Witches of Weho before they found out that Kristen and Carter were back together exclusively, so there’s really no hope now even though Kristen came solo. Try as they might to get a reaction from her, Kristen kept her cool as Stassi declared them donezo. I think it’s a safe bet that Crazy Kristen has been replaced with Whatever Kristen, as she starts to realize her own worth. Part of that realization comes with the ability to recognize who isn’t worth fighting for.

Jax and Sandoval are the next ones to attempt to flat iron out their troubles. Common ground isn’t to be had though as neither of them can see the other’s side. They choose instead after twenty years of friendship to just take a timeout. What’s the cliche? People are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime? Maybe it’s the end of a season in more ways than one. Jax is convinced when talking to Lisa that it will all work out and they’ll grow old together and raise their kids together. Jax is also convinced though that this is his show, which Lisa promptly corrected, and which shows that delusions are high.

The slowed-down theme song and cast members walking off two by two gave more of a series finale vibe than a season finale one. I’m not sure that with all of the fractures that we’ll be seeing the same faces all together in the future. I do know that I’ll be waiting with bated breath until I find out though. Thanks for joining me this season. Wishing you all the best.

Full time housewife, mom, and grandma with more opinions than my family can handle, so I share them with the internet instead.

2 thoughts on “Vanderpump Rules: Donezo”

  1. fabulous as always….i wish you would have touched more on the convo with jax and lvp.. i think i missed half of what was said… love your blog…. need it everyday…

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