Vanderpump Rules: Whine launch

A bartending class seems fitting for SURvers who are looking to make a little more scratch. Also it’s another way for them to make Dayna and Brett seem like a good fit. Common interests, chemistry (albeit stilted) between two attractive people. It’s like they’re trying to give us a Tom and Ariana replacement couple. That’s what this whole season has felt like to me to be honest. Cookie cutter characters inserted into pre-existing molds left by the originals. I think that’s why none of the newbies are resonating. It’s less organic and more formulaic. Lines like the one Dayna issued about hoping that time apart would make Max realize what they had, don’t aid in making her relationship with Brett feel authentic. Stranger couplings have happened though, so who am I to say?

Katie and Schwartz stop over to visit Stassi and a Sia-banged Beau. Hopefully Beau creates his own lane and doesn’t try to replicate Sandoval as well. The Schwartz’s have good news. Despite the impression we were left with last week, the pastor in Vegas mailed in the paperwork, and it was only their unofficial copy that was lost. So thankfully, no third wedding is in our viewing future. Talk turns to Kristen, because what better way is there to get over something than to kvetch about it incessantly? Beau feels caught in the middle. Katie is trying to keep the professional and personal separate, and Stassi is just plain done. She likens herself to Beyonce at the end of Destiny’s Child’s run, and wants no part of the upcoming Witches of WeHo Potion no. 2 launch.

A wine company wasn’t your destiny, child.

Over at SUR we’re greeted to what has become a rare event…a Madrigal sighting. I don’t think it’s humanly possible that he’s more boring than the fare we’ve been served from the newbies this year. My guess is that much like the certainties of death and taxes, being over 35 means less screen time unless you’re getting married to a cast member. Sadly he’s relegated to serving Lisa a single goat cheese ball. And speaking of single, Scheana sidles over in the hope that Lisa will be the one person on the planet to celebrate her seven eggs. Nothing displayed the stark contrast in generational thinking to me better than this scene. Lisa who wasn’t raised in the era of airing everything sees Scheana’s expectations of friends calling to check on her as an overreach. Scheana, who being raised where every part of your life is shared, thinks that each event deserves “x” number of likes and attention. I’m a little closer to Lisa’s age than Scheana’s, so I would have never brought it up in the first place and therefore wouldn’t have expected a call or a text.

After her shift, Scheana stops over to show Dayna her war wounds from being toppled by a scooter driver in Venice, and to offer a friendship mending gift without the bow tied around it. She wants to give Dayna the opportunity to talk to her mother through Psychic Shauna. I, myself, have never consulted a psychic. Years of religious upbringing still have it labeled taboo in my psyche, but I enjoy the experience of watching others get readings. It’s not to be, however, as Dayna is too overwhelmed by the prospect and decides a medium isn’t something she wants to try on for size at the moment. Scheana’s penchant for white lies is exposed when she leaves after telling Dayna that she wasn’t going to spring it on her, but then can be heard talking to Psychic Shauna outside the building. What was meant to be bond-building winds up being bond-testing because Dayna can’t decide if she can believe anything Scheana says.

For assistance in the physical world, Beau drops by Villa Rosa to elicit Lisa’s help. After he proposes to Stassi, Lisa is going to throw them an intimate dinner party in her garden area. Lisa is quick to ask if Kristen is being included. She’s of the mind that Kristen has been an integral part of Stassi’s life and she doesn’t want them having regrets about missing moments that can’t be replicated. Beau is erring on the side of caution and waiting to see how the WoW launch party goes before he offers up an invite.

If this table could talk!

(Insert portion of the show where they try to push all of the newbies on us at once with no O.G.’s and apart from a few good sober James moments, I’m bored.)

James does make another appearance in the studio with Lala. I’m finding that the only time I’m finding Lauryn remotely tolerable is when she’s having a positive interaction with James. Even though the track was auto-tuned to within an inch of its existence, I enjoyed watching them collaborate and get past all of the nonsense that’s gone on between them.

We’re finally at Farmhouse and the launch countdown is over. It’s time for lift off! Kristen is the first to arrive, underscoring the fact that she’s the one that has put the most effort into this venture. She acknowledges that Katie is helping out here and there, but that Stassi can’t even be bothered to post about the wine on her social media. I’ve been fairly neutral throughout this friend feud, but my work ethic cringes at this passive aggressive crap. If you want to leave…leave. Don’t show up to eat the bread when you didn’t help grow the wheat, reap it, or bake it. Didn’t you read the Little Red Hen as a kid?

Reading is fundamental.

Across the room Danica attempts to wedge her way into relevance (outside of being dismissive of Dayna’s boyfriends) by offering up a competition proposition to Sandoval. A friendly game of softball is in order between SUR and Tom Tom. No bout is complete without stakes however, so the loser of this match has to clean the bathrooms at the other’s establishment. Riveting stuff.

Since actual tension was needed to provide some sort of drama for the episode, I give you Stassi in meltdown mode. For some yet to be determined reason, all of her frustration over the demise of her friendship with Kristen is being laid at Beau’s feet. She doesn’t want him questioning her about it and she certainly doesn’t want him talking to Kristen either. She made that all too clear when she berated him for having a public conversation with her. She blames it on the PTSD from 2013 and the infamous dalliance between Kristen and Jax. All I can say is, if you have to keep the leash that short, then the dog isn’t trained well enough for you to be pressuring him daily for a proposal. You’re stopping the magic from happening all by your witchy self.

Next week we’ll see who’s on their hands and knees by a toilet for reasons other than a drunken night out, and we finally get to the graveyard proposal. I hope you’ll join me!

Full time housewife, mom, and grandma with more opinions than my family can handle, so I share them with the internet instead.

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