Below Deck – Boom

It’s still day one and now M/Y Seanna is a man down. Eddie certainly felt the weight of the loss of Avery on his shoulders, but Shane just exclaimed, “Boom.” I’m not quite in Cap’s age bracket, but I’m definitely closer to a broken hip than to being hip, and I was lost in translation before the show is two minutes in. Captain Lee was in the same metaphorical boat apparently because while live-tweeting he asked, “What does that even mean?” Thankfully a helpful youngster filled us both in that it means, “Nuff said.” Now I’m picturing John and I retiring to Florida, so Captain Lee and I can yell, “Get Off My Lawn!” in two-part harmony. Getting old sucks.

What else sucks is these charter guests. Charley was all but pleading last night on Twitter for Captain Lee to vouch that he isn’t always an eggplant emoji…I’m old, but that one I understood. Cap was diplomatic and took the blame for not being there to properly prep the crew. Even though the worst he ever called Charley on the show was a handful, I think our fair Captain artfully dodged that plea with a non sequitur. From my seat, Charley…editing can’t make you look like a “d” without footage of you acting like one. Case in point, going down to the galley and telling Rachel none of you had faith she could pull off that night’s international themed dinner.

You might as well have just put on a Captain Sandy suit and been speaking to Kiko with that kind of attitude. I’m not sure what entitlement smells like, but I sure as heck know what it looks like and you and your pals are the textbook definition. From your objectification of the crew to your constant demands and judgment of the speed in which they’re performed, you reek of new money and I’d wager not as much of it as you’d like people to believe.

Rachel and Francesca both impressed me with presentation though. Even Elizabeth with her “Drinks from Around the World” was on point. Although the “geisha” costume Francesca wore did look like one of my lounging robes and didn’t scream speedy service to me. And sadly, it wasn’t. Francesca was running around like a mad woman trying to do instead of delegate. I can’t recall ever seeing a Chief leave dining service to work on bedrooms for so long. A quick inspection? Sure, but Eddie shouldn’t have to call multiple times over the radio to note that the chef is ready for service. Hopefully she gets better at directing Elizabeth and Izzy to do those things instead of taking the DIY route.

International Cluster Schtup.

Izzy is already set to bail on the interior after a day as well. I know that unpacking other people’s luggage isn’t fun-filled. It needs to be done though as it’s part of five star service. She went so far as to offer herself to take over Avery’s position. She’s worked on deck crews before and by her own assessment is at least more experienced than Shane. Captain Lee said he’d take it under advisement and get back to her. If she is allowed to move, I hope we won’t miss out on clever little one-liners like, “How many times a day do you plan on sh**ting your pants.”

Captain Lee checks with Rachel after the meal to see how dinner went and Rachel either reticently or intentionally threw Francesca’s leadership under the bus. It was an honest assessment of the situation (and my own,) but it still felt sneaky when it moved from frustrated chatter with your peers to saying it to the boss. Cap calls Francesca in for a talk and we get a new Lee-ism as she sobs uncontrollably. “There’s no crying in yachting.” I hate to be the one to tell you, Captain, but it won’t be the only time in this episode even.

The next morning everyone is hoping for a fresh start and guess what? It ain’t happening. The guests think they’re at IHOP and all of them order specialty omelettes and avocado toast, and whatever other breakfast sounding foods they can come up with. It’s obnoxious and Rachel gets rattled quickly. She doesn’t have omelette pans and more eggs wind up in the garbage than on actual plates. Hence our second meltdown incident in one episode. For future reference, don’t cry over spilt milk, but do cry over splits in egg folds.

Eddie is in his own personal nightmare trying to get the water toys out with his two green deckhands. I’m not even sure Shane qualifies as green at this point… maybe chartreuse…because he can’t tell the difference between a water hose and an air hose. Captain Lee summed it up best when he said it looked like three bears “effing” a football. I’m never going to be able to read Goldilocks to my grandson again without that image in my head. Thanks, Cap.

With breakfast done it’s time for a beach escape and Birthday Girl Lexi gets escorted there by her crush James while the rest of the guests go by tender. You’d think that this was an innocent and fun moment, but it sparks a whole different kind of “Boom” later at dinner that has nothing do with enough being said. Shay is all but boiling over, likely because Charley made it seem like she was the one who was going to be skin to skin with James on the ride to the beach. So aside from being an A-1 eggplant, he’s also a crap-stirrer among his friends. Charming.

This looks like a still from the opening of the show “Snapped.”

Shane is left behind on the boat while Eddie and James attend to the guests on the beach. He has everything any chartreuse yachtie could need. Biodegradable sunscreen, reef-safe shampoo, and his head firmly planted up his backside. He actually thinks it’s okay to go swimming shirtless and not answer his radio while on charter. Wow. Even though he said during his appearance on Watch What Happens Live that he’s seen a few episodes of the show, I have a hard time believing him. You can pretty much just look at Captain Lee and know that wouldn’t fly.

Izzy shares her desire to move to the deck crew with Eddie as well and he gives her an impromptu interview by having her help him re-anchor the tender. She did a good job and got it done before it floated off into the sea, so she might have a little speed in her after all, just as long as she’s doing something she enjoys.

The guests return to the yacht and ready themselves for the black-lit Neon Carnivale themed dinner. They should have prepped themselves for a night of mud wrestling because from jump it’s a straight up brawl. Miss Avocado-on-the-side decides to shade Lexi for cuddling up to James when Shay had made her intentions as clear as the water surrounding them. Carlos then jumps in to defend Lexi and chastised the pitted fruit lover for making things awkward. Then Shay jumped in with her side and pandemonium erupted. All while James is patiently waiting in a glitter budgie smuggler to have shots slurped off of his body. Utter insanity.

Things finally calm down enough for James to make his appearance, but it’s too much Pink Himalayan Sea Salt in Shay’s fresh wounds and she bails before the shots are served. What is also served is a great line from Eddie, who is learning well under Captain Lee’s tutelage. When discussing the possibility of moving Izzy from the interior to the exterior he notes that she definitely has a greater sense of urgency than Sunshine. Captain Lee is befuddled for a moment until Eddie clarifies that it’s his nickname for Shane. Looks like Eddie can join the crotchety club with me and the Cap. Would any of you care to sign up too?

Next week it looks like we’re in for stormy seas and not just the literal kind. I hope you all will join me!

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