Below Deck Mediterranean: Double Standards and Divine Dinners

They’ve dialed back the hands of time a skosh to remind us where we ended last week. Kiko has just been informed that he’ll now have 12 guests for the six course dinner. New math be danged, he did it in his head and realizes that it’s 72 plates. He feels like he’s screwed and I don’t blame him. Provisioning is a real thing. Yes, they’re docked and can get more, but not in time, unless there’s some magical filet mignon fairy I don’t know about.

Meanwhile, Hannah and Alex try repeatedly to get Malia to respond to their radio calls, because the guests on the beach are ready to return to the yacht. Malia and Sandy can pretend like she was out of range all they want to, but we all have eyes, her radio was on the tender the whole time she was attempting to get the perfect pic of Justin and Scout for Instagram. Hannah thinks quickly and asks Captain Sandy if she should arrange for cars to come pick the guests up instead. A simple “Yes, let’s get them back,” is all she receives in reply. No “way to think outside the box, Hannah.” Not even a “That’s a good idea.” Just yes.

Justin finally has the perfect pic to show off his sporty, fabulous life to the masses, and so they head back to the yacht. Captain Sandy jokes with Malia about finally responding and Malia says that she’s been trying. And then as if trying to reach through the screen and yank on my very last nerve, Sandy replies, “No big deal.” Are you kidding me right now? If that had been Hannah, she’d have been strung up by her toes and read the riot act for inconveniencing Malia even a little bit. The double standards are on full blast.

With everyone back on the boat, Kiko asks to be left alone to focus on the meal and requests no orders while he’s working. Of course Murphy’s law dictated that the guests would then order snacks. Hannah quickly pulls something together only to have it taken by the primary who didn’t order anything, so she has to make a second round. Is the Captain hovering to see this extra effort….um, no. She was probably watching Bugsy take 2 hours to make a tablescape.

I’ve vowed not to mention “He Who Shall Not Be Named” unless it’s integral, but he was on a lot this episode. So much for editing him out. Suffice it to say that the creepy schmuck schmucking schmucked throughout the episode. If you thought he was gross before, this will only add fuel to that fiery feeling.

Kiko’s meal is a trip around the world via delectable dishes. He has representations from France, Brazil, Spain, Japan, Italy, and America. The effort he is putting in and the fact that he has no sous chef to back him up is phenomenal. He’s definitely a rock star and is quickly becoming my favorite chef across all of the franchises.

Alex is like an awkward schoolboy as he tries to quiz Jessica on how she thinks Bugsy feels about him. He tasks her to get some insight so he knows whether he has a shot or not. So much more endearing to watch than the creep’s tactics (which likely would make a time-traveling Cro-Magnon shake its head in disgust.)

Bugsy is thrilled that Jessica wants to learn under her masterful tutelage. It seems Bugsy has made yachting a family affair and has passed along her skills to her brother and her sister. Jessica learns a lotus flower napkin fold and then is quickly back to folding laundry. She shares a little bit about hoping things work with Rob because she doesn’t want her heart to be broken again. I don’t want that for her either, so please…can we clear up the status of Rob’s relationship?

I’m an awful and petty person but I giggled more than once at how many times after Hannah complimented Bugsy that she threw in how wonderful it was to have a strong 2nd stew. Seems like she learned more than a tip or two from her Anna Wintour Masterclass about how to assert her dominance.

Dinner is served and it really is great to see how much the crew stepped up and worked as a team to pull this off. It was almost so fluid that I didn’t notice Sandy hovering in the background…almost. That lack of trust would make an already unnerving situation even more so for me, but I’m pretty sure they’re all used to her human drone impersonation by now. Kiko gets much deserved praise and he’s off to finally get some rest.

One would think that after a six course meal that snacks would be nowhere on your radar, but these guests apparently have hollow legs and no shortage of entitlement issues. Hannah and Alex are stuck once again staying up until the wee hours of the morning, and Hannah has the added bonus of making paninis and serving up other sundry snacks past 3AM. Surely that would earn her a gold star, or individual praise right? It is more difficult than carrying a charcuterie tray. Alas, no such adoration or compliments will surface.

Thankfully the next day is also the last day of this charter. When you look back on all of the ways the crew stepped up and went above and beyond, it doesn’t seem unreasonable to think that they were in for an awesome reward in the form of a great tip. All of those extra guests for a good half of the charter, doggy day care, late nights and more snacks than a 7/11 has on hand. Not to mention that amazing dinner for twelve Kiko pulled off on short notice. So what would be a fair and just display of appreciation? 22,000? 20,000? Apparently Justin plays by Price is Right rules and wanted to attempt to get close without going over. He left 17,000. That, my friends, is lame.

Take a gander around social media and you’ll see him defending it to the hilt. But before you take his word for it, look at the screenshot of what it normally costs to hire the Wellesley (the yacht’s real life name) for a week. Even if you cut the rate in half for a 3 day charter, he didn’t tip 20 percent. When you use a Groupon, you tip on the actual price, not what you paid. The same should go for getting a discounted yacht vacation and free advertising for your business. Rant over.

After turning the ship over, the crew heads out to drown their disappointment in fine food and night life. Hannah brings up the 64,000 dollar question at dinner and asks Rob if he and his girlfriend have an open relationship. Jessica is stunned that Hannah went there, but it had to be on her mind too. Rob denies that he has a girlfriend and says that he broke it off with her because he wasn’t comfortable even though it was an “open experience.” I hope he’s telling the truth.

Hannah gets another shot in, this time over Bugsy’s bow when she asks straight-forwardly why Bugsy would even come back to work with her if it was such a miserable experience the last time. Bugsy’s response is odd to me and I’m still trying to decipher the subtext. She replied that this time there’s no power struggle because she’s at Hannah’s stage now and she’s come in as her second to support her. The only power struggle that existed before was by Bugsy’s own doing. I’m curious to see if this is all lip service. My gut says that it is.

Back on the yacht, Bugsy and Alex share a cold tub of water. I’ll like to think that if they had thought to turn the heater on that a romance might have budded like a hot-house flower, but we had to settle for shrinkage and a wait and see vibe.

Hannah and Malia commiserate over long distance relationships and not having enough time in the day to keep constant contact with their loves. Jessica is blessed to make contact again with hers, but the next morning she slams into a less welcomed kind of contact. She smashed her finger in one of the cabin doors and we’re left hanging until next week to see how much damage is done and whether it will affect her ability to work. I hope you’ll join me then!