Below Deck Mediterranean: Hearts Afire

I’ve decided that Aesha is a magical unicorn fairy godmother made out of four-leaf clovers. It’s no revelation that I have been dreading finishing this season, but hearing her giggle was an elixir of happiness that immediately set a different tone for the episode. In truth, I couldn’t help but wonder how different these past few weeks would have been if they had brought her in to replace Lara instead of choosing Bugsy. My friend EC had me in a positively giddy state envisioning Aesha’s and Kiko’s energies combined together shooting out rainbows like the Care Bear Stare. Sadly, production is not as ingenious as my friends on Twitter, so I will have to settle for where we are now and be grateful for it.

Once Aesha is aboard the yacht heads for Ibiza, which is apparently the party capital of the Med. The primaries will be Johnny and Michelle Damon both of whom Aesha adores. I’m not sure that I agree with her “down to earth” assessment, because they were high as kites on their last trip, but they are definitely not snobby…except when it comes to hot food. On that score I can’t blame them.

Everyone is being very tight lipped about what went down prior to Aesha’s arrival, and if she is suspicious, she isn’t showing it. At least not to the level she did with her former boatmance Jack. I’m way out of the dating loop, but is it normal to stalk your boyfriend’s ex’s IG stories? Normal or not, it provided Aesha with enough intel to kick Jack to the curb. She still believes in love though apparently as she gushes over Rob and Jess and wholeheartedly supports a cheeky pound before work now and then.

That magical giggle might cure this season if we can bottle it!

Jess is a little bit in her feelings about being passed over for 2nd, but Sandy is still punishing her for derelict detergent duties where the laundry is concerned. Bugsy may wear 31 bows in her hair, but she missed the mark in tying a pretty one around Jess being stuck in laundry again for this charter. Her “no job is more important than another” speech sounds like bunk though considering she was gunning for Hannah’s job since the first time we met her.

As they dock in Ibiza they are faced with a tight squeeze. The rotten side of me really wanted to hear a little metal on metal, but Aesha would have to be a leprechaun Santa for that to have happened. When Aesha called Sandy a “Boss B” for maneuvering that rich boat through the eye of a needle, all I could think was that she’d be more accurate if she dropped the “boss” part.

The Damon’s board and the theme for the charter will be whether or not Tom can make up for Sandy’s mistake of having a stew sub in as chef. Johnny wasn’t happy with Anastasia’s portion sizes or the temperature of her food, so quantity and heat need to be Tom’s priorities. He’ll have an easier go pleasing Adena, one of the Damon’s guests who appeared on the show last time with the Queen of Versailles. She’s already three sheets to the wind before the boat tour ends and stumbles and cuts herself on her broken champagne glass. I said this last night, but it bears repeating: all of this fuss made over taking a valium to level out a panic attack seems utterly ridiculous when alcohol is causing a guest to bleed all over the deck cushions.

Remind me again how dangerous prescribed medications are?

Malia can now add medic to her bosun, dive master, private eye, DEA agent, and sous chef duties. Except as my friend Sweet Tea pointed out…she didn’t even wear gloves. Puts a little crimp in her vast medical knowledge resume’ if you ask me.

And since we’re speaking of the little troll anyway, I’ll add that watching her and Tom wave through windows, feed each other, steal kisses, and share eyerolls about their crew mates is kind of, almost making me miss Adam and Jenna. Not really, I guess, but I am definitely just as eager to see them leave my screen.

Pardon the pun, but Tom did knock the first lunch out of the park. For a guy who doesn’t know anything about baseball, he served up a homer. Don’t think for a second that I didn’t notice that it’s perfectly acceptable for him to use Google when it was a no-no for Kiko. I may not point out every double standard I see, but trust that I’m tallying them all on my mental scoreboard.

Rob sure isn’t scoring any points with Jess or with Captain Sandy this episode. He’s been texting with his ex, or his open relationship, or whatever it is. Jess is understandably upset by it and it’s causing tension between them. Rob is also in his head about being in Ibiza because it’s a triggering destination for him considering his former partying ways. Sandy picks up that he’s quiet and off and questions him about it. He breaks one of those hard to suss out Maritime Law rules apparently though when he’s honest with her and says he’s checked out. Authenticity has no place on a Sandy vessel though and she’s immediately annoyed that he didn’t fake it in front of his captain. Something tells me if Rob hadn’t been confrontational with Malia…none of this would even be a thing. Tread lightly, Roberto.

Run for Hover!

It’s dinner time and it’s a neon theme. The table looks like a hot mess, in my opinion, but I’ve felt that way about many of them. What isn’t hot is Johnny’s food. Copter Sandy is back and literally running to be there when it arrives. To make up for the warm food, Tom uses a mixing bowl as a cloche and shockingly it’s awkward for Bugsy to carry and it falls off and clatters on the ground. Jess’s “OPA!” at least made it funny, but Bugsy looked like a scared rabbit as she muttered repeatedly how Tom was going to freak out.

Tom actually handled it quite well (to her face) and plated up an extra he had made. Malia can’t even back the people she claims to like though and gives an eye roll for the ages out of eyeshot of Bugsy. Then when Bugsy is out of earshot, Tom lets his inner jerk flag fly and tosses a “for eff’s sake” out the door after her. Isn’t it a wonder that these two gems found each other?

After a drunken fight over whether Michelle is wearing Spanx or isn’t she, the accuser is reprimanded by her husband about what does and does not constitute a compliment. The guest comes crawling back to the feet of the primary to beg forgiveness and it is granted. A moment as magnanimous as the derriere that inspired the fight in the first place.

The next morning we get dueling festivities. Aesha and the little-seen Pete head ashore with the guests for the closing party in Ibiza, while back at the boat the crew gets to play with the slide and water toys. Ibiza looks like a Grateful Dead concert had a baby with Carnivale, and Aesha was having a blast. While the crew are having their own good time, Alex takes his first baby steps out of the friend zone while jet-skiing with Bugsy. He showers her with compliments and gets rewarded with a platonic “Thank You.” Ouch!

And finally, speaking of pain, we end with a cliffhanger of sorts as Jess is experiencing heart palpitations. Is it the stress of an unkempt laundry room? Her anxiety over Rob? Perhaps it’s Demon Jess about to make an appearance like a gestating alien from a Sigourney Weaver flick? We’ll have to wait until next week to find out. I hope you’ll join me!

2 thoughts on “Below Deck Mediterranean: Hearts Afire”

  1. She IS a magical unicorn fairy godmother made out of four-leaf clovers. I need to take lessons. Because, as you know, I’m far grumpier than Aesha. I look forward to tearing everyone but her and Jess to shreds on the podcast! Maybe we can give Johnny Damon a pass, too!

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