Can you see it? Just off in the distance there. The end of this slow boat ride around Mallorca is almost upon us. If it feels like the longest season ever to you, you’re right. Those extra episodes Bravo ordered to stretch out their content have been a blessing and a curse. We’ve gotten more show, but many of us are weary. There were two major climax points this season and everything since has seemed, well, kind of anticlimactic.
Case in point…Butt Touch Gate, which we open with this week. I’m not going to rehash it, as I’ve already shared that I think it was unintentional, especially considering that Nicole’s hand is in the same place on Aesha. That doesn’t mean that I don’t understand why Jess is annoyed. Y’all know I’m not a fan of false dichotomies, so I don’t believe you have to take one side or the other. People seem to forget that although we’ve been watching Jess and Aesha together for five weeks, that they’ve only known each other for two. Aesha admitted to not feeling like she was able to be herself at first because she’s a late-comer to the group, so her behavior has changed some. Rob’s personality shifting at the same time as her arrival could also seem correlated in Jess’s mind, even though in my mind it’s a coincidence. There’s plenty of room for valid reasons for misinterpretation to be found here.
All of that said, Jessica’s reaction caused me to Google her zodiac sign. If the internet is to be trusted she’s a Sagittarius, which in the astrological world is all about the fire. Maybe that’s why my fiery Aries self can relate and empathize. Bugsy, however, cannot and is more than a little taken aback by Jess’s intensity. I don’t blame her. Close quarters are not the ideal place for arguments and there’s only one stinking day left. I’d have wanted that stuff squashed too. They can sort it out in Bali. If there’s going to be a couple’s trip to Bali that is.
Ashore we hear while Rob is talking to cast wearing Hannah that he was in Japan as a model. For someone who wants to leave that part of his life behind, he sure brings it up a LOT. It also appears that we may have eavesdropped on the early stages of an Instagram handle exchange. Not scandalous, but telling. As I watch Rob and Aesha interact while roaming the city, it seems innocent and totally friend-zone. Even the “lick that” from Aesha doesn’t elicit suspicion from me. She was much more shy when she was truly interested in someone, if my memories of the early days of her and Jack are serving me correctly.
Malia tells us in a confessional that it’s a small boat and news travels fast. What she failed to mention is aside from Bugsy being the person to tell her about the butt touch, Malia is the one who spread it to the rest of the crew. She’s like a sleight of hand magician directing everyone’s focus away from Tom’s tempestuous tude. We get to see a little of that rear its head again as he swears under his breath because another one of his naps is cut short. The guests have the nerve to want snacks when they come back from their excursion! How is that something you’re unprepared for? I’m not even a chef and I’d assume that after walking around in the city that they’d be in need of a little blood sugar boost. I don’t doubt that he’s worked in the industry before, but I am beginning to question if he’s ever had duties beyond just cooking the food. He has little to no anticipation ability.
That lack of ability affects Zaida most due to Tom being incapable of realizing that “No pork or beef” includes bacon bits and prosciutto. Members of two food categories that Z expressly forbade him from preparing for her by way of her preference sheet. He actually took the slip up with less lip than we’re accustomed to him giving. Maybe because it’s right there in black & white that it’s his fault and he can’t blame her palate. I’m not sure if I believe that it’s because he’s turning over a new leaf for Malia’s sake like he said. It’s always possible, of course, especially if she safe-spaced him again in their cabin bathroom.
Jess finally got her chance to confront Aesha and I’m not sure it went like she pictured it in her head. Aesha, while overtly apologetic, was easy breezy about the situation. She took culpability, explained that she didn’t even remember it, and promised it wouldn’t happen again. As a pressure cooker myself, that was remedied too quickly for the steam Jess had built up to bleed off. She’s still far from zen and (as my friend Lynne from Twitter pointed out to me) even took a shot while on duty in the galley. Glad no one on the yacht saw it though or we’d get another three episodes of Malia and Sandy screeching “Maritime Law” like a pair of parrots who’ve only learned one phrase.
Jess decides to release the rest of her steam on Rob at the front of the ship, and it’s all I can do not to holler out, “Just break up already!” I’m exhausted from watching them repeatedly try to fit a square peg in a round hole. I get that they’re both emotionally invested and it’s not that easy, but dang. I can only think that time must feel different in that career, because I’ve never gotten that angsty over a relationship that’s only existed for a month and a half. I’d be tossing up deuces and saying thanks for the memories.
Bugsy seems just as frustrated as I am and rightfully so considering the table isn’t cleared when she gets up from her break. She tries several times to radio Jess to no avail. The only thing that breaks up the break-up is the guests wandering up to the smoke spot so they can jump off of the bow. Bugsy eventually finds Jess and speaks to her calmly and puts things into perspective. It’s the last day, just focus and get through and knock this charter out.
While Bugsy is talking to Jess, Rob is having his own meeting with Sandy at his request. This seemed very strange to me. Taking his problems with Jess to her when he literally has one night left seemed like a punk move. It did somehow turn into a potential offer for him to do the crossing with David as they relo the ship, which in my mind is the best thing possible. Being half a world away from each other might be the best thing for them. Alex even agrees with me, but I don’t know if being of like minds with someone who doesn’t know that Bali is in Indonesia is “life goals” for me. I kid, I kid. At least he brought some comic relief.
Tom is preparing lobster and braised cheeks for dinner, and once again it’s a case of preference sheet be darned. Why even bother to have them if you aren’t going to follow them? Convenient also that Sandy isn’t lurking over the table to see his second mistake in one day. If it were Kiko, the food wouldn’t have made it out of the galley without her inspecting it and comparing it to the sheets line by line.
That’s not the end of her hypocritical ways though. She also makes a point of complimenting her pride and joy’s sous cheffing a mere day after forbidding Malia from helping Tom in the galley. When Sandy can’t win, she spins. She turns this into a case of Malia’s drive to be the best captain possible one day by knowing all of the jobs on the ship. Gag me. I’m so glad that there’s only one episode of this left. Well that and the reunion. Fingers crossed that’s it’s a one parter.
As predicted, Z sends back the beef and he substitutes chicken instead. She actually thought the second attempt was delicious, so yet again karma fails to deliver for me. 2020 is not my year…but now that I think about it, is it anyone’s? After dinner they have the silent pajama disco. My first experience with silent disco was viewing the prom episode of Atypical, and it actually looks like a lot of fun. Plus it’s a great way to get around the licensing regulations for music on a TV show.
The next morning, the beef…er, chicken…still isn’t squashed between Jess and Rob. Jess feels like she let her walls down and fell for him only to be dumped. Rob admits in a confessional that it’s a habit of his to set traps for girlfriends so he can push them away. Instead of feeling remorse for that he uses it as justification for him to go to First Mate (Captain) David and sign up to do the Atlantic crossing. So is Bali really a bust, or will Rob renege on the commitment he just made to David? Either way, someone’s not going to be happy next week. Hope you tune in with me to find out who it is and to say “Adios” to Mallorca and Below Deck Med!