Below Deck Mediterranean: Someone Needs His Nappies Changed

In the preview trailer for Season 8 of Below Deck, Captain Lee said, “There’s no crying in yachting.” I hate to disagree with my favorite captain, so I’ll just ask that he add the caveat “unless Tom is throwing a hissy fit at a completely innocent stew.” Aesha was really shaken up by Tom’s temper tantrum and asks Bugsy if she’ll come to their cabin so Bugsy can talk her down. Sometimes all it takes is a sympathetic ear, and Aesha feels better afterward. It doesn’t hurt that it’s time for her break so she can just chill away from everyone.

Back in the galley Tom is still heated and vents some more to Malia. He even goes so far as to say if he were the captain and had to go knocking on a cabin door for sliced cucumbers…he’d be embarrassed. To tell the truth, I’d be embarrassed to be Captain Sandy right now too, but not for something as stupid as rousting a chef to do his job. There’s a whole laundry list of shameful things she’s done to choose from and that doesn’t even rank at this point. He continues his cold shoulder routine as she enters the galley and he refuses to even look at her. I thought something was wrong with the sound on my Kindle for a minute because everything was muffled. Then I realized it was because it was so deadly silent in there that you could hear the guests out on deck.

The “Naughty” dinner is supposed to start at 10pm, but the primary is holding things up as he gets decked out in his finest 90’s stonewashed fashion. In the meantime we’re treated to the losers of Ultimate Frisbee trying to add just the right stuffing for their Speedo packages. The girls opt for microfiber towels, while Rob pours salt on a still-fresh cucumber wound when he requisitions one from Tom to make himself look more endowed. I know I’ve been griping about the table decor all season, but honestly, I don’t care if they’re fresh out of hermetically sealed packaging, I do NOT want underwear hanging over my table while I eat. Gross.

I’d rather see a dirty laundry room on a yacht than underwear over my dinner.

What’s also unpleasant is Tom’s attitude as he continues to gripe and complain that he’s on the guests’ time schedule and not his own and that his food is sitting around for a half hour. Malia tried to submit him for martyrdom and is still acting like he did the boat some huge favor by taking a paycheck and spending two weeks with his girlfriend. Who, by the way, is constantly shirking her own duties so she can stroke his ego and change his Pampers when he’s cranky. He’s no martyr. He’s a pissy little crybaby.

Dinner goes well, although it seems more than a little strange to have gloved silver service with plastic fake boob whistles hanging from fishing line, wine bottles covered in paper bags, and your stewardesses constantly adjusting their fake beans and franks. I don’t know how much more Honey Boo Boo level low they can set the bar for a super yacht. I did, however, enjoy the guests calling out Malia for being the only one to welch on the bet, and how it made them question her leadership ability for not accepting that a team loss is also her loss. Actually held accountable for her actions for a change, Malia dons the dreaded Speedo and clears her IOU marker.

Jess is released for the night and so is Rob, and now that they’re on the Love Boat again they snuggle up in a deserted part of the boat to take a few minutes together.The smoke break turns into a snog-fest and I’ve heard sucker fish slurp algae off of aquarium glass more quietly. I’m guessing the mic packs don’t have volume adjustment. I’m also starting to think there might be a clone of Malia stashed away with the water toys, because she manages to be up Sandy’s rear, sous cheffing for Tom, and still has time to spy on Rob and Jess. The hyper hypocrite whose buns are still warm and lips slobbery from Tom groping her in the galley now takes umbrage with the guests being able to see Rob and Jess. The do’s and don’ts of super yachts have become her new mantras since she can’t spout the phrase “Maritime Law” like a fritzing robot anymore now that Hannah’s not there.

The next morning dawns and it’s drop off day. Tom is still doing his best Jack Frost impression when it comes to Sandy, but blames it on being tired. Malia is excited because her mom happens to be in Spain and wants to drop by to see her girl dock the boat. For me that’s akin to having my mom come watch me hand tools to John while he does some repair job around the house, but as a mom myself I’d probably do the same. Jess is also giddy at the prospect of being able to skip the crew night out and do the WiFi-less version of Netflix and chilling with Rob in the guest cabin.

This is what most of our faces have looked like all season. How does it feel?

Tom eventually apologizes to Aesha for being rude, but it’s one of those typical non-apology apologies that narcissists employ. The “I’m sorry, but” wherein the excuses the speaker gives override any signs or impressions of contrition. Aesha accepts it politely to his face, but thankfully shares her true feelings in a confessional. She thinks he should have just apologized because she doesn’t care about his backstory. I’m with you on that, girl.

Malia’s mom arrives and watches the boat go into a much bigger slip than the others we’ve seen this season. Yippee. The editors tried with last week’s preview to fool us into thinking that the guests were going to stiff the crew on the tip and only give them coupons. For once I didn’t fall for it. They may be mirrors on the ceiling, let’s stomp you at a game we play all of the time douchey, but they did seem nice. Just some corny humor for dramatic effect.

Malia gives her mom a tour of the boat once the guests are gone and Tom proves that he can’t even pour on the charm when it comes to speaking to his girlfriend’s mom. She asks if this was his kitchen and he corrects her and says, “It’s called a galley, Mary.” What. A. Nozzle. His ego is more on par with someone who owns a yacht rather than a guy cooking on one. At the tip meeting his feathers get ruffled when Sandy calls him out in front of everyone. In the end it’s all compliments for her “A Team.” That comment seems very Petty Betty, but also gave me shades of Yolanda Hadid and might for any of you who are RHOBH watchers.

At the preference sheet meeting we find out the final charter of the season (Hallelujah…only two more episodes) will be all women. If you haven’t seen the cameo of Sandy talking about how she and production all think Malia is gay, you can see a tiny glimpse that Sandy believes it to be true at this sit down. When discussing the charter guests, Malia hollers out “Ladies!” Sandy gets a knowing sort of smile on her face. Or maybe I’m imagining it, so I included the screen shot so you can decide for yourself.

Is this a “knowing” smirk or am I highly susceptible to suggestion?

The crew’s night out is a total snoozefest. It mostly consists of some weirdly awkward conversation as Aesha tries to suss out where Bugsy and Alex stand on the scale of attraction. Bugsy makes so many distasteful faces that one could imagine the restaurant was within nose shot of waste treatment plant. What wasn’t boring, apparently, was Rob and Jessica’s rendezvous in the guest cabin. I could have gone my whole life without hearing that moaning in surround sound. For those of you old enough to remember the movie Porky’s….total Lassie vibes.

In the afterglow of the next morning, the crew finds out that the charter guests will be arriving early. Tom immediately messes his nappies and Malia doesn’t have time to change them before the provisions arrive, so he’s extra grumpy. He’s already had issues with these provisioners before and now his problem is that the food wasn’t brought on ice in coolers. In his defense, the ServSafe guideline for delivery of fresh fish is 5 degrees Celsius and 10 for shellfish. So while the complaint is valid, it’s not meltdown worthy. Call for a replacement and unpack everything else. That takes a lot less time than spinning around like a whirling dervish.

Malia decides to take it upon herself to bring the problem to Sandy after Tom’s call to Sandy’s radio went unanswered. For the first time all season Sandy actually calls Malia on the carpet and orders her out of the galley. I should be more excited, except in the aftershow Sandy said she was doing it for Malia’s benefit because she saw her starting to lose it from stress and that’s not in character for the Malia she knows. So basically in Sandy’s mind Malia’s only out of line because she cares too much. The delusion is real, people.

We end with Tom wigging out, yet again, tossing bread in the garbage and throwing the pan into a sink while muttering about how this is making him look bad. A little advice, dude. If you left out the histrionics and just pointed out what was wrong, only the people giving you the provisions would look bad. Next week it looks like Malia gets another talking to from the Captain and Saint Malia of the I Can Do No Wrong order is not happy. Jess isn’t happy either as she’s seeing man stealers every which way she turns. Hope to see you then!

Full time housewife, mom, and grandma with more opinions than my family can handle, so I share them with the internet instead.

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