Below Deck Mediterranean: Something Is Fishy And It’s Not The Moqueca

We open up still on the bridge amidst “Sweetheart-gate.” Captain Sandy is straight-up with no chaser when she ends her lecture with “Never.” The guys are dismissed and both Alex and Rob know it wasn’t about them. It was a scolding they took for Pete to not be singled out. Pete, however, is still in the dark because he knows he’s never called the Captain “sweetie.” Rob explains to him that it’s just a matter of respect, and Pete says the most classic nozzle phrase ever, “They really like that don’t they?” Don’t you prefer to be respected, Pete? I’ve never been so happy to have a crystal ball into the future that shows him being fired. He still denies it when Malia confronts him directly (and we all watch the bottomless montage of sweethearts.) He blames it on how he was raised as a little ol’ country boy from Virginia. Well, Pete, this little ol’ country gal from Ohio thinks you’re an idiot.

Focus eventually goes back to where it should be, which is on the guests, since they’re paying the fuel bill. The weather isn’t prime, but Hannah is still going to try and give them their picnic at La Seu Cathedral of Palma. Jess, Malia, Pete, and Alex lug picnic equipment through the town as the guests tour one of the most beautiful churches I’ve ever seen. Captain Sandy seems unimpressed with the quiche Kiko made, but it’s lunch and not everything has to be a marketing opportunity. All of the guests except for non-vegetable fan Roy III seem to enjoy it. The bad weather starts to roll in just as they’re finishing. Production must have been saying a prayer or two inside the church.

Ulf sneaking in an Ace of Base reference.

One thing I’m really enjoying about having the kids on board is we’re getting to see a different side of Hannah. She exhibits such a sweet tenderness as she puts on her best horse voice after Roy III says goodbye to the “horsey” and she leans down and says “Goodbyyyee, Roy.” I’m excited for her upcoming Mom adventure off-screen in real life. I’m also hyped to see if Roy III goes into music like his dad and grandpa. Him singing “Pretty Woman” melted my ice-cold heart.

Hannah’s tender side isn’t extended to Jessica, however, as her patience repeatedly runs thin. Whether it’s a look on her face, being a few minutes late from break, or losing one of her dresses…Hannah isn’t as thrilled as she was during charter one. She feels like she missed Jess being bad at her job solely because she wasn’t spitting venom at her like Lara was. I think it’s just a huge task for two people and she needs to cut Jess some slack.

Alex is feeling stuck in the middle between Pete and Malia. He vibed with him right off the bat, but he’s not down for him crap talking Malia. Rob is feeling a bit put off by the Sandy dress down, but after a conversation with Malia and reassurance that he’s respectful, he’s back to focusing on work and, of course, Jessica. He’s in an open relationship with his girlfriend, but he has a “Don’t screw the crew” policy. We’ll see how long lasts. (Spoiler alert: about a day.)

Not all bad.

In an attempt to reinforce my belief that there is good in everyone, I’ll give Pete credit where it’s due. He is really great with the kids and shares a sweet moment with Bo. Is it enough to make up for otherwise being a total jerkwad? No, but it’s something. Hopefully he will live and learn.

Kiko has quickly learned how to master timing in the kitchen, unfortunately the guests aren’t watching the clock, so he’s left waiting on them for a change. Not so fun when the shoe is on the other foot, especially when you don’t get rewarded with the delicious food after your wait. He’s making moqueca for the second time this season and Captain Sandy is already treating it like we’re in Leon Beef Cheeks territory. A little soon to make that assumption. You’re in Mallorca. Latin cuisine should be included, right?

Jess is in Captain Sandy’s sights as well when she leaves a mess in the laundry room. Once again, I feel like being a stew short should make this understandable. Closing the door would be the perfect solution to the problem for now. This is the last day for the guests, so the priority should be giving them what they want, which is a good time. The weather cooperates and they actually get to enjoy some of the toys.

The Orbison crew disembarks and a messy laundry didn’t seem to dampen their vacation any more than the rain did. They left a 21,000 dollar tip. With one person down that means more money for them, so at least the extra work they had to do paid dividends. Talk at the tip meeting moves to the new 2nd stew and I certainly have a bunch of geniuses in my friend group because close to half of you knew it would be Bugsy!

Bugsy in all of her Garanimal glory.

Hannah is visibly distressed by the news which I expected, but what I didn’t expect was that Bugsy and Malia are now great friends in real life. My head is spinning about whether this is a production set-up to get at Hannah, or Malia getting her friend back on the show, or Sandy stacking her super yacht with all of her favorites. Maybe it’s a little bit of all three.

The crew goes for a much needed night out and the destination for Jessica and Rob was Hookup Town. Alex didn’t expect it to happen because Jess has never hooked up with a crew member and Rob has that girlfriend situation going on. Always expect the unexpected on Bravo though, Alex. Kiko wound up being relocated to Jessica’s empty and messy room, and a new boatmance has begun.

The next morning is all kinds of awkward not just because of the nocturnal affairs, but because Bugsy is arriving. Hannah’s even watching team-building videos in preparation. As if God Himself knows what’s in store for the rest of the season Bugs arrives amidst thunder and lightning. Stormy seas are ahead, my friends. I hope you’ll join me!

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