Below Deck Mediterranean: Sous Vide or Not Sous Vide That Is The Question

The Motor Yacht Hypocrisy, or the Titanic 2.0 if you prefer, is continuing full speed ahead toward that iceberg of bullcrap, while running aground, keeling over and dragging anchor. (Thank you, Twitter friends for coming through on the analogies!) For those of you who have ceased watching…we get it. Those of us continuing to do so may have a wee bit of a masochistic streak or mayhaps some retroactive voodoo doll kits that we’re hoping bestow the just desserts on Captain Sandy and her egomaniacal little henchwoman Malia.

We begin in the galley where Bugsy has just thrown a cooked potato in the bin causing Tom to throw a temper tantrum worthy of a 10 year old whose wonky LEGO creation just got knocked over by his sister. We’re no strangers to chef hissy fits in the Below Deck Universe, but considering it’s his first day, Tom’s seems premature and extra diva-like. We never heard Ben whinging about the reputation he’s built up being destroyed. Although maybe that’s because taste is subjective and can be rationalized away, whereas dental work on shell damaged teeth is not. Tom spent most of his time muttering under his breath while Malia attempted to play cheerleader. There was barely a moment where she wasn’t either in the galley or directing how the plates should be held while serving. As far as meal service goes, anyone just tuning in might think Malia had been bumped up to Chief Stew.

After dinner Jess and Rob are snuggled up in the laundry room discussing whether or not he’ll be joining her on her trip to Bali after charter season is over. Jess is worried that if Rob chooses not to, it will ruin the trip for her and up until now it’s been her dream to go. Rob later said something to Malia later that I found disturbing, in that he’s unsure if he should follow his head or his heart when deciding whether to go. Malia immediately said heart, but I was sitting back curious as to why his head and his heart aren’t in concert. I’m hoping that clarification will come at some point in the future, but it didn’t happen on this episode.

In fairness he meant temperature, but I heartily agreed with him anyway. She’s ice cold.

The next morning Bugsy is trying to elicit a little sympathy coffee from Alex and she laments in her confessional how much pressure she’s under being chief now while dealing with the pressure of being down a stew. Hmmm, I wonder who else felt that way this season? I’m not placing her in the Malia/Sandy category any longer, but she’s not going to get warm and fuzzy sympathy hugs from me for getting what she’s been gunning for both times she’s been on the show. Accept your win graciously and stop looking for martyrdom, Bugs.

I’m not sure what’s going on with Rob aside from his head and heart struggle, but he’s especially prickly with the guys as they try and prep for the beach picnic. Maybe he’s tired of his suggestions being overridden, but it seemed like much ado about nothing. I was also befuddled as to why it was okay for Malia not to be overseeing them and helping them since it’s her job. She’s now added dishwasher and sous chef to her duties instead and apparently both rank higher in importance than her bosun duties.

Bugsy, Alex, and Pete head ashore to set up a beach picnic and Jess is left on her own to handle the guests. Meanwhile Bugsy is once again pointing out how difficult it is to work with only two stewardesses on a yacht that’s this big. Whether the irony was intentional on the part of the editors is unclear, but hearing her complain while away from the boat joking and flirting with Alex seemed laughable. Even more so when the shots of Jess running around tending to all the guests appeared in juxtaposition on screen. I can’t blame her for wanting to take a 45 second cat nap against the wall.

She even makes wall sleeping look good. So not fair.

The beach picnic itself was fairly uneventful except for one of the guests stripping down at a remote (but not that remote) part of the beach, so that the oversexed walrus could take butt pics. Not enough pixelation in the world to make that palatable, folks. Back on the boat, Malia Queen of Hypocrisy has a Ted Talk about not sweating the small stuff that is directed at Rob. You know what they say…those that can’t do, teach.

And as if to prove my double standard point, later Malia decides that Rob’s way of bringing in the slide isn’t as good as her way, and makes him stop and change direction. Then when the slide is unable to fit the cover, she orders them to just cover it with a white tarp and leave it off to the side on the deck. Pete and Rob both think a re-roll will get them good results and she’s not happy. Her snake tongue flicks out and she of the Don’t Call Me Sweetheart incident now chooses to call both of them F*#kers. Um, hello? Pretty sure what you just said is way worse, Malia.

I was thinking that finally Sandy was going to have scold her mini-me, since Rob was very clear in front of the Captain about what Malia had called him and how it made him feel. I really need to stop setting myself up for disappointment. Sandy not only didn’t reprimand Malia, she didn’t even address the comment. Instead she chose to double down against Rob and echo Malia’s sentiments of insubordination. I personally think that’s a tad extreme descriptor-wise when he was just trying to roll up a slide, but practically everything Sandy has said and done this season has seemed extreme to me.

It’s time for another dinner and considering lunch went over so well, my hopes of Tom continuing his train wreck dishes were almost dashed. But hope springs eternal and pink effin’ chicken became a point of contention. To be fair, I researched sous vide chicken and it can be pink because it’s marinating in it’s own juices at a low temperature, but the key way to know if it’s raw or not is texture. If it’s tender it’s good and just discolored. If it’s chewy, it’s raw. The male guest complained solely based on color, but the female guest remarked specifically about the texture. So, sous vide or not sous vide is the question.

Kiko would have been vilified for this. Where’s Copter Sandy now?

The festivities wrap up with one belly dancer, and one really self-deprecating crew member who also has a belly. Alex was a good sport and poked fun at himself, which I am here for any day of the week. The guests depart the next morning and it’s a good thing that the primary had the salmon instead of the chicken. He wound up leaving a 20,500 dollar tip. The brat in me thinks Sandy slipped in the extra five hundred from her personal funds, so Tom would look better that Kiko. May not be true, but I wouldn’t put it past her.

The new second stew is arriving and Jess is a little dejected that she wasn’t bumped up from 3rd. Sandy made sure to throw in another meltdown over laundry to subliminally justify her choice in viewer’s mind though. Her choice, by the way, is Aesha. It seems she’s not everyone’s cup of tea as far as the internet response goes, but I could use a fun, light-hearted break from the biddy contigent, so I’m excited. Former Below Deck Chief Stew Adrienne Gang tweeted her advice to Aesha last night and it bears repeating: Don’t order the oysters, lock the bathroom door when you pee, and don’t piss off Malia.

The show wraps up with a romantic gesture from Rob to Jessica that Bugsy put a follow-the-clues spin on. Jessica’s quest led her up to the sun deck where a candlelit table awaited. Rob gave her a copy of his ticket to Bali to let her know he would be joining her. Woman’s intuition and psychic powers were on full though when Jess’s gut instinct was to notice how deftly Rob had deceived her in setting this up. We find out quickly in the previews that her instincts may have been right on target. Hope you’ll join me next week, and be sure to check out this week’s podcast that will be coming soon. We’ve got a fun surprise! XOXO

Full time housewife, mom, and grandma with more opinions than my family can handle, so I share them with the internet instead.

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