Below Deck Mediterranean: Tom Is A Git

So the trashfish troupe who’ve been swimming in alcohol instead of the briny Med decide that the party’s over and it’s time to head back to the boat. Bugsy, who normally has it pretty together as long as we aren’t talking fashion, faceplants on the cobblestone getting out of the van. It appears that every single one of them is suffering from some level of inebriation. So riddle me this, Captain. How is one crew member taking a valium to level off a panic attack (which you didn’t even prove by means of a drug test, by the way) more dangerous to the vessel than an entire crew stumbling in drunk out of their gourds in the wee hours of the morning?

I mean, think about it. Any number of emergencies that Malia rattled off could have happened and they wouldn’t have just been one man down, they would have been several…not including the crew the owner installed because he didn’t trust you all with his vessel, of course. I’m looking at you Captain…er, um…First Mate David. I’d really love to be a fly on the wall when he reports back to his boss.

Right in line with her normal hypocrisy, Sandy has them help with the early departure and sends them all back to get more rest. Utmost compassion for drunkeness, which unless you’re an alcoholic is an active choice, just not for mental health issues. I see you, Sandy, and you’re callous.

Instead of more sleeping, mostly we see more fighting. Jess and Rob are still at it. I saw mixed perspectives on this last night while I was live tweeting. I’m not dismissing opinions that differ from mine, but can only speak from my own experience and I land firmly on Team Jess. If you’ve been drawn into a romance at light speed and everything is fiery and passionate, you can distinctly recognize the temperature change. Yes he bought a ticket to Bali just a few short days ago, but then he also went into his brooding period over Ibiza and then started texting his ex and only told her when she outright asked him about it.

Major props to Leiloo16 for pointing out Malia’s finger. Now all I see is Chris Elliot’s baby hand from Scary Movie 2.

Add to that the cherry on top of getting the cold shoulder while Aesha gets nothing but smiles (I didn’t even know he COULD smile) jokes, and can tricks and I can see how it would cause the little green eyed monster to awaken. Is it baseless? Possibly, but when has emotion ever been dictated by logic? I try hardest to not judge when I know I’d be as guilty if not more so. Add to that her history of bad relationships with cheaters in the past, and that’s a lot of emotional baggage to deal with. Combine that with the baggage he’s carrying and it makes a Real Housewives luggage for a 3 day jaunt look like carry-on.

It’s time for the preference sheet meeting, and Sandy radios for Tom, Bugsy, and Malia. I find yet another reason to roll my eyes and giggle as Sandy tells First Mate David to call her if he needs her. I rewound several times to see if I could catch an eye roll on his part, but he’s nicer than me and just stood mute at the irony of him needing her help to do what he does when Bravo cameras aren’t around, which is captaining that particular yacht. I can guarantee you he knows it inside and out in a way she couldn’t possibly learn in six weeks.

In the meeting we learn that the primary is an entrepreneur named Eric Cotsen. He retired after selling a successful college admission preparation company. You know my brain is far too clogged with pop culture when my first thought was whether or not he was tied somehow to Felicity Huffman or Laurie Laughlin. He’s definitely douchey enough, because he puts on his preference sheet that he likes his coffee like he likes his women…hot. Good gravy, dude. At least use some of that money to buy yourself a clue. If that’s not bad enough, he wants them to set himself and friends up with a naughty game night on night two. After some of the guests we’ve been subjected to this season, 51 Minds should just buy the rights to “Money Can’t Buy You Class” from Luann and play it on loop.

Bugsy channels her inner relationship guru and puts Jess and Rob in the salon together and tells them they can’t come out until they’ve resolved their issues. A tad presumptuous, but in this case it was effective. Their love boat is off the rocks, at least temporarily. Knowing how it pans out, I kind of wish Bugsy had just let it die a quick death, but I’m sure soured romances in confined quarters were not anywhere on her ample set of lists.

We all know who’s really in charge when it comes down to it. Thank you, David.

Pulling into Palma, Sandy all of a sudden loses her bow thruster and is in danger of running into or over something so she drops anchor. If you watch the edit before the cliffhanger commercial break, you’ll see (Captain) First Mate David immediately go to the center helm. Conveniently after the break it’s cut to being only Sandy running around trying to fix the problem. Your slip is showing, editors. And Malia’s play by play makes it sound more contrived. Not saying it didn’t happen, but I am saying that there has been so much in the way of shenanigans going on this season that it wouldn’t surprise me a bit if it were manufactured drama. If it isn’t then it’s at least a tiny dose of much deserved karma being served with Sandy’s grilled cheese. Thankfully Warren the 2nd Engineer reset the breakers, got the thrusters were back online, and they were able to dock.

It’s almost time for the guests to arrive and beds aren’t made and the provisions haven’t arrived. It may not be foreshadowing in the truest sense, but it certainly will set Tom’s tone, which we soon find out is at sonic boom level. It seems he ordered two kilos of fresh mussels and instead got one kilo of frozen cooked mussels. He informs all of us that are too stupid to know the difference that those are two different products. He goes on to add that the latter is for people who don’t have taste buds. Were I a seafood eater who didn’t have the benefit of mummy and daddy paying for culinary school, I might feel dissed, but I’m rapidly discovering he’s a snob and I should expect no less.

Tom continues his tizzy and in the meantime the provisioners are actually rectifying their mistake. They not only apologized, but gave them to him free of charge. Obviously that means nothing to him, since he isn’t footing the bill, but it should demonstrate their contrition. So he should be happy when Bugsy brings them to him, right? Um, no. He continues swearing and vomiting his hostile attitude all over Bugsy who did nothing but help fix someone else’s mistakes. If he was more buff I’d think he was roid raging. Unfortunately the pipsqueak just has a crappy personality.

The guests arrive and even the primary can’t understand Bugs without a radio, so Jess should have been cut slack weeks ago. He misses it the first time, asks her to repeat it and still calls her Bags. She literally had to spell it for him. He doesn’t seem like a rocket scientist though, but apparently has a PhD in sexual cliches because he’s mad that there aren’t any mirrors on the ceiling of the master stateroom. There’s that class again.

Kind of difficult to slice cucumbers with a full grown man on your back.

Later in the afternoon Eric and his group challenge the crew to a game of Ultimate Frisbee. The crew puts up a pretty sad effort and loses 4 to 1 which means a debt is owed and it involves speedos at dinner. But as in life, before dinner comes lunch and I was willing the universe to let Tom’s tapas be horrid in comparison to Kiko’s. Alas, it was not to be. But while we don’t always get what we wish for, sometimes it’s because the cosmos has something better in store. And that’s just what we got.

Tom’s dander was already up from the provisioner’s error and Aesha dropping a few pieces of bread while serving the tapas. He decided to take a fifteen minute break to rest conveniently while Malia went for hers. Bugsy is also down for an hour and a half, and Jess and Aesha are up with the guests learning jiu jitsu. It’s hard to toss someone over your hip with your radio on and your ear bud in, so they set them off to the side. It’s at this point that two of the female guests wander into the galley because they want some cucumbers and run into Sandy instead of Tom.

After radioing Bugsy and Jess with no response, Sandy decides to wake Tom up so the guests don’t have to wait. I can get being annoyed at getting interrupted during “in flagrante dilicto,” but Tom did say he was taking fifteen minutes and it had been eighteen. We watched him count kilos, so we know he can do math. What is entirely unacceptable is him taking it out on Aesha when she was doing her job which is to entertain the guests. Him cuddling Malia is not his job, preparing food is.

Aesha made the mistake of trying to calm the waters and he only got more intense. When the guests added avocado to their request, Aesha tried to save him the trouble and do it herself and he hulked out even more. Nothing she did was working and it brought her to tears which garnered her more scolding. All I can say is the Englishman is a git and the more I see of him, the more I miss Kiko.

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