Below Deck Mediterranean: Tom Reaches His Terrible Twos

I honestly feel like a broken record at this point. Either that or we’ve gone into some weird BDM version of the movie Groundhog Day, because Tom is having yet another temper tantrum. Technically it’s a continuation of last week’s, but still. It is clearer than the Mallorcan waters why this guy went from working at a Michelin star restaurant to freelancing from yacht to yacht for six weeks at a time. No one in their right mind could deal with him for longer than that. No need for the “Malia was with him for over a year” to negate that either, because I already added the sanity caveat.

He takes off his apron for the umpteenth time and storms to his cabin leaving chicken sitting in the sink and a pot of water boiling on the stove. Perhaps it was supposed to be a metaphor of his nature and temperament, but I just saw it as careless. Malia chases after him donning yet another career hat. One akin to Tony Robbins being squished down to troll size like Wile E. Coyote after a boulder trick fails. They confine themselves to the bathroom of their cabin, likely because they think Sandy won’t see them there, but they haven’t seen the episode where even bathrooms aren’t off limits to Sandy. Malia gently strokes his Faberge’ ego caressing him with compliments while Tom rants and raves about his reputation and wanting someone to give him respect. Ironic considering he’s one of the most disrespectful people on that yacht. Even more so since it happens to house someone completely edited out of the show for reaching unheard of limbo lows.

Meanwhile, in the laundry, Aesha is folding towels and Rob just happens by to help. Being the queen of locker room talk and innuendo, she queries him about being able to spread out in the guest cabin with Jess the night before. He returns her double entendre volley with one of his own about him not being the one spread out. Twitter peeps have been all over Jess about her jealousy, but Rob is certainly more animated and saucy (albeit still in a monotone) with Aesha than he is with Malia or Bugsy. I’m also pretty sure that there are a fair few of these convos that have occurred that are laying on some digital cutting room floor. So the question becomes, are we being gaslighted that there’s nothing to be jealous of as we watch Jess go through the same?

Are unlit bathrooms Tom’s Safe Space? Like a porcelain womb?

While Malia was a success at calming Tom, it’s a short-lived one as she’s called for a one-on-one with Sandy. Sandy begins with the most unnecessary statement ever, “You’re my pride and joy.” Mr. Magoo could see that with a blindfold on. She wants to make sure that if Tom walks off that Malia won’t go with him. Malia informs her that as much as she respects the industry, she’d have to go with Tom because he’s her “life partner.” It must be assumed then that Malia and Tom are panther chameleons, because their lifespan is a year as well.

As hard as Bugsy is trying, she can’t stay out of the fray. She had the unenviable duty of receiving frozen halibut as a replacement from the provisioners. Cue the sarcasm guillotine that Tom has at the ready to lop her head off. Unfortunately for him, he released it in front of Sandy. Like her fellow sailor Popeye…she’s had all she can stand and she can’t stands no more. And much like the innocent villagers in Pompeii, no one…especially not Tom…knew the volcano was about to erupt. We were privy to the bleeping of Sandy’s second and third F-bombs this season and she wants a crew meeting RIGHT NOW.

Sandy lets the crew know that she’s the wrong person to piss off. Anyone with doubts about that needs only to phone Hannah. Sandy will frame you as an implied drug addict and remove you from duty if she has to, as recent history has proven. She actually gave some good advice in the meeting until the tears started welling. At that point my ice cold heart shut her down mentally and were it not for my husband sleeping peacefully next to me, I would have let a loud “Nut Up!” escape from my lips.

Shortly after the meeting the guests arrive and there are 3 co-primaries. Hannah, Zaida, and Erin. Hannah is sporting an arm cast from a parkour mishap, so I doubt we’ll be seeing any Spiderman-like wall climbing while they’re aboard. What we will be likely to witness is some major cattiness though, because death glares are already flying between Zaida and Nicole. Nicole is just a regular ol’ charter guest and she had the unmitigated gall to weigh in on what time lunch should be, much to co-primary Zaida’s distaste. ME-OW.

In other news, Malia has decided to promote Alex to lead deckhand for a whole charter, y’all! Isn’t she gracious to share the power? Probably doesn’t hurt that it might grease the wheels in getting him to gladly assist Tom in the galley since she’s been banned from helping. Nah, couldn’t be that. That’s just me being cynical, right?

Tom is melting down again pre-lunch and just when Bugsy is making an attempt to smooth things over, Sandy jumps all over her telling her not to get on Tom’s wagon. In case you were wondering, First Mate (Captain) David is driving the boat while Sandy’s spewing her misinterpretations of situations from stem to stern. How Bugsy is now in her sights for doing what is actually her job as head of the interior is beyond me.

Lunch went perfectly despite it being halibut-free and the guests are game for some water sports. Primary Hannah isn’t letting a cast get in the way of her adrenaline thirst and heads straight for the jet-surf. It stalls out before she even gets going and Malia sends Rob to her rescue. Cue the soft lighting and Barry White’s dulcet tones to set the mood as Rob becomes instantly enraptured because Hannah is very mindful and “sees” him. Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t he use that same line on Jess? What we have here my friends is a player with only one script. It’s also a line that might seem deep in your twenties and early thirties, but when you get to be my age…wouldn’t rival a puddle.

Aptly enough (cast and all) Hannah manages to get stung by a jellyfish. Most women would take that as a sign from God to steer clear, but she instead uses it as a way to continue the flirtation. I’m guessing she’s probably landed on her head more than once while enjoying her favorite pastime. None of this escapes Jess’s ever watchful eye and it’s safe to say she’s getting the confirmation bias she was looking for. Our consciences don’t needle away at us for nothing, Jess. I’d be flying solo to Bali if I were you.

Butt touch or no? You do the math!

It’s time for dinner and the earlier clash between Zaida and Nicole rears its head again. While the meal isn’t scheduled until 8:30 and Nicole has a half an hour before she’s late, Zaida decides that since she’s hungry they should all go ahead and sit at the table. A decision encouraged with a little prodding and interference from Sandy, of course. I mean, why not totally tick your chef off by moving up his time of service? Maybe then Malia will see how awful he is and dump him like burnt croutons. You’re transparent as glass, girl.

At the table we’re served crickets. Little chirps amidst the tension between guests. Zaida gets so frustrated at a point that she leaves the table and says she’s considering reading a book in her cabin and going to sleep. I’m guessing Hannah is the common denominator in the group, because neither Zaida nor Erin are thrilled with the company. The feeling appears to be mutual as Nicole and her friend have a little vent sesh of their own. The only thing they seem to agree on is a vanity pic with Rob snuggled in the middle of the group. They try to get him to give his best modeling pose, but he saunters off shyly and a little red-cheeked. Jess’s cheeks are flushed too, but for different reasons.

The next day offers up a trip into town which we don’t get to see until next week. So much time was spent on the precursor to the departure and Buttgate, that they couldn’t fit it in. Did Aesha or didn’t she purposefully put her hand on Rob’s butt? Who really knows at this point. They’re taking yet another group photo and whenever you’re smashed together it’s always awkward to find a place for your hands. Plus, Nicole’s hand goes to almost the same spot on Aesha’s derriere and Rob’s sporting a giant backback which doesn’t leave a lot of open landscape. Sometimes a butt touch is just a butt touch. Jess, however, does not agree and she’s ready to throw hands. Will Jess and Aesha be Hannah and Lara 2.0? Tune in next week to see!

Full time housewife, mom, and grandma with more opinions than my family can handle, so I share them with the internet instead.

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