I’m very sorry folks, but the finale bored me to tears. I generally re-watch the episode so I can give you all a play-by-play and throw in little tidbits that even I overlooked upon first viewing, but I can’t bring myself to do it today. It was that bad, and hokey, and dumb. For those of you who are no longer watching I’ll give you just one example to show the veracity of my assessment. We had to endure a tip meeting where Sandy rated everyone on the Beaufort scale and gave them certificates she printed off the ship’s computer. She didn’t even bother to use the color cartridge. It was like watching a kindergarten teacher give head pats and compliments to her pupils and it was gag-worthy. And not the good kind of gagging wherein something is so fierce you can’t help but choke. The kind rather where you’re being force fed something that causes you utter revulsion.
So instead I’m going to partake in a bit of fan fiction writing on how I wish the season would’ve ended. I’ll understand completely if you choose not to indulge me and leave now. We are reality television viewers after all and this is further from even the fake reality we’ve been frustrated by all season. I need something to bring me a bit of closure and maybe a diabolical smile or two in the telling though, so here goes.
Jess was visited in a dream by her future self who brought with her the knowledge of not only her own impending break-up, but tales of other women who’ve been burned similarly by Rob since. Her future self and Madison from Below Deck Sailing sat down and compared notes and realized what a gaslighting fraud Rob is. She woke up feeling refreshed and resolute and told Rob he should take that crossing job. No tears were shed, no pleas made. And she enjoyed her dream trip to Bali all by herself.
Rob – absolutely stunned that Jess called his bluff – DMs cast wearing Hannah on Instagram and runs into her open arms and speaks sweet nothings of authenticity and being seen. Hannah, having fallen one too many times on her head while doing parkour, consoles him and brings him home and makes him her Manny…or model nanny if you prefer. Eventually she convinces her husband that they could probably cash in on a reboot of Brother Husbands and she marries Rob too.
Aesha’s sleeping peacefully and then her body is suddenly awash in an unearthly glow. She awakens with no fear whatsoever because she knows what it is and where she’s going. It’s a transporter beam from the Mothership and she’s lifted through the air and glides upward to the vessel. Once inside she’s greeted with a chorus of “Hi, Sh*t Stain” from all of her magical unicorn fairy godmother peers and they fly into a rainbow where they live happily ever after with joy abounding and locker room talk overflowing.
Alex hooks up with one of the soccer moms and settles down and marries the MILF of his dreams. He spends his life blissfully swigging beers on the weekend while watching his beloved Patriots win Super Bowl after Super Bowl. During the week he coaches his new bonus daughters’ sports teams and builds up their confidence to teach them to be women in power.
Bugsy earns herself an ad campaign from Claire’s Boutique and can be seen on billboards across the world sporting more barrettes than one would think a head could hold. She also starts a tablescaping school and gets another endorsement from Dollar General for making their products so widely seen. It all would have ended in pure bliss had it not been for the day she walked by a junkyard. Unfortunately for her they had just turned on the high powered magnet and well…those barrettes were not her friend that day.
First Mate (Captain) David went back to his job of piloting the Wellesley. Bravo realized that he’s very camera-genic and decided to give him his own Below Deck franchise for being such a good sport and taking no credit during this season for everything he did off camera.
Speaking of off camera, Pete decides to capitalize on his removal by edit by developing a new video game. It features real life scenes where he’ll suddenly pop up somewhere and you have to hit him with a mallet ala Whack-A-Mole and “Not Today, Satan” appears whenever you’re successful. Miss too many though and it’s Game Over, just like it would have been for the 51 Minds editors.
The editors who were good at their jobs spliced together a video of Tom’s greatest meltdowns. A cadre of anger management specialists got together and whisked him away on a 5150 and put him in a padded room and brought him the wrong provisions daily as a form of immersion therapy. Once he was able to accept that mistakes happen, he was released and went on to make several of his own.
Last, but not least we have the two headed hydra of Sandy and Malia. They were the last two remaining on the boat when all of a sudden they were boarded by the Spanish Coast Guard. Upon inspecting their belongings they found several items of contraband and also seized the footage of Malia going through Hannah’s things and Sandy busting in on Hannah in the bathroom. They were both arrested and carted off to Maritime jail never to be heard from again.
Huddled together in Australia with grins spanning from ear to ear are Hannah and Kiko. You see, it had been the two of them who’d tipped off the Coast Guard and they were watching the whole raid go down via a satellite feed from a body cam. They knew Bravo would never do them justice, so they created their own. They went on to live blissful lives knowing that sometimes just desserts are served.