Below Deck Sailing: Captain Buzzkill To The Rescue

The current destination should be somewhere in Greece. Unfortunately, we’re stuck in Regurgitation Station thanks to the drunk girls that the Nauti Boys brought on board last week. I was hoping that the meatheads were some pre-quarantine fever dream, but alas, we get them again this week.

Madison and Parker should be getting Employee of the Year awards for each of their departments. The amount of food, glassware, and things I don’t even want to say aloud that they’ve had to clean up is insane. Their guardian angels were even setting alarms off on the boat to try to get the attention of their crewmates, but to no avail. Madison finally broke down and woke up Byron to shut the alarm down. Once he saw what was going on, he promptly turned on his heel and went to bed. Let’s all offer up an underwhelming and totally sarcastic, “Thanks, Byron.”

One higher up we actually can thank is Captain Glenn. He popped up on deck at 2:45AM and did his best to convince Pukey & Friends that they should probably head home. By 3:15 they were on a tender back to shore and you’d think the guys would take that as their cue. They did by 4:00AM, but not before screaming for grilled cheese and pancakes. Apparently Glenn’s alter ego “Captain Buzzkill” is more human than super-human in his ability to calm these jerks the heck down.

Madison is up cleaning until 5AM and she and Parker share a hug and thank each other for the support before handing the deck over to Ciara. Jenna, Georgia and the rest of the crew roll out just before 7AM. When asked if she had to get up because of the chaos, Jenna replies that she didn’t, but she probably should have been rousted. Seriously, Jenna? You want Madison to handle things on her own, but when she does you still complain? The fact that I’m hoping Adrienne from Below Deck Season 1 shows up to replace you is baffling to me. You are the absolute worst.

Jenna continues her high horse riding as she directs Georgia and Madison to organize the refrigerator since the guests are still asleep. Jenna’s got to get her flirt on after all. Silly things like labor can’t get in the way. She did also find time to whine about how the girls asked if what they were doing was okay with Jenna. The human eye roll shared that she didn’t care and that people who get into stewardessing should at the bare minimum be good at organizing. Funny, it’s my humble opinion that a chick who gets into Chief Stewardessing should be at the bare minimum good at managing and training her employees. Brat.

The guests finally show their basketball-sized heads at around 1pm. Adam is pretty much fuming that HE has to wait on them to serve breakfast. I can’t stand these guests, but it is their trip. That’s how it’s supposed to work Adam.

At breakfast the saber skills are on display for the eighth time, but this one comes with more than just a burst of champagne. It left little shards on the deck and one of the nimrods stepped right on one and cut his foot. I’d like to think I’m better than wishing harm on others, but since I technically didn’t wish for it, is it wrong that I laughed?

After breakfast….er, brunch…um, wait, linner, the guys head off to a local beach club with Parker as their guide. Parker thinks these guys are just fine and is even ready to don a toga to pledge to be a Nauti boy. Goals, I guess, although I’d recommend aiming a little higher. Parker did seem to be in his element as he hung out with the fellas and air-DJ’d. I legit didn’t know that was even a thing.

When the brutes make their way back to the ship, Captain Glenn decides to try his hand at being Captain Buzzkill again by laying down a curfew. It actually works this time! After an amazing meal and caviar tasting the guys head off to bed at 11pm, much to Madison’s joy and amazement.

We say Bon Voyage, or more aptly just Voyage to the dunderhead detail, but I will give them credit where it’s due first: they left a nice tip. Twenty thousand large divided among the crew figures out to about 2200 each. Not a bad get, but from my couch it still feels light considering what they put them through. No amount of money would seem like enough after being verbally berated, picked up against my will, or forced to scrub bodily fluids off of every surface on the ship.

The crew has a free day to clean up the mess left behind, and they manage to do it with some time left over. Jenna and Ciara head to town to replenish the stock of glasses and plates that were broken during the charter. Jenna asked Ciara in order to get time away from Madison and Georgia. While they’re out, Jenna actually has the gall to give Ciara advice on public displays of affection. She thinks Ciara should do more of it with Paget to keep him interested. You know, like Jenna does with Adam. That will be markedly funnier by the end of the episode. I promise.

The rest of the gang decides to soak up some sun and swim during their downtime. I’m liking Georgia less and less as she pursues her flirtation with Paget. He’s a straight up tool for participating, but I had cut her some slack up to this point because she wasn’t the one in a relationship. All of that grace flew out the window when she unconvincingly says she doesn’t have a mistress personality, and then proceeds to snuggle up next to Paget and playfully pour wine on him and discuss taking body shots. If that’s not mistress energy, then surely the quick donning of her cover up when Ciara shows up unexpectedly is.

We wrap up the evening with a tense dinner out. Parker is testy because Adam outed his lack of bed-making skills, Adam is irked because his relationship with Jenna is a popular topic at the table, and Jenna is put out because Adam, well, won’t put out. She winds up in a puddle of rejection tears on the dock and Adam’s confused because he doesn’t think anything that’s happened warrants this level of emotion. Well, Adam, for once…I agree with you.

Next week there’s relationship fall out and Parker gets dressed down by the Captain for his lack of respect for the ship’s hierarchy. Until then, sailors!

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