Real Housewives of New York City: It Ain’t Over Til The Mad Lady Screams

There is a pall over much of the Bravoverse as we enter the season finale. While we’ve known since last week that Dorinda was leaving, more and more rumors have been flying around. Rumors that Dorinda was fired and didn’t quit. Statements that she’s welcome back any time she wants to return were meant to quell those. Another one that arose was that Andy was so affronted by the turkey baster comment that his hands were puppeteering her dismissal. If Instagram comments can be considered bastions of truth, then his denial stating that wasn’t true evaporates that reason as well. I don’t know what’s true and what isn’t other and above that this is the end of another RHONY era.

Take heart though, because we’ve had many endings and the show has still gone on to give us laughs and keep us captivated. Well, some of us. Following Season 4 it was a virtual bloodbath as half of the cast was axed. We lost Jill, Kelly, Alex, and Cindy, but still got precious moments gifted to us by Holla Heather, Princess Carole, and Queen of the Leg-Toss Aviva. Many thought that without Bethenny the show couldn’t possibly continue. We’ve lost her twice now and it’s still going. I don’t always agree with Bravo’s choices, but this franchise is one of the few that hasn’t ever lost me completely. Time will tell if Alicia Quarles will re-invigorate the brand, along with whatever other replacements they make, but I’ve been dying for a multi-cultural landscape on our screens to accurately represent one of the most diverse cities in the world, so I’m not looking a gift horse in the mouth. As has always been true with Bravo, we’ll have to Watch What Happens.

So why am I strolling down memory lane and looking to the future instead of recapping? Because most of this particular episode was a straight up snooze. Granted, I had a long day yesterday, but I almost changed channels more than once. But boy howdy am I glad I didn’t, because the last fifteen minutes was a hot fudge sundae served on a silver platter for this chubby blogger. DE-LI-CIOUS.

I will hit the lowlights for those of you who missed them before we get to dessert though. The show opened with Ramona talking to herself about old Christmas card photos because even Coco doesn’t want to be in the same room with her. It would be sadder if she hadn’t earned the ostracization through years of social blunderings with her cast mates. Next we get to see Martin the boxing coach teach Leah how to make herself a hero. It has nothing to do with jabs and crosses, and a whole lot to do with Italian bread.

You can almost picture the thought bubble over his head. Is this what it’s come to?

Then we meet music producer Desmond Child who has worked with Bon Jovi, Cher, and BARBRA, and is now working with….the Countess? I love Lu, but wow, I’m guessing that was not on Desmond’s vision board. Luann has pretty much chucked the concept of actually singing altogether and is doing her mixing-level best to become the female Rex Harrison. She talk-sang her way through her soon to be (hmmm, not sure what the word I’m looking for here is, but it ain’t hit) spoken word single with track backs? Viva la Diva.

As if production knew what was coming, we move on and possibly back to Dorinda’s old apartment which is still under renovation. Her stylist Luke is with her and I couldn’t help but wonder if now that her stint on the show is over, will he be going back to Caroline Stanbury? Not sure where she’s living now, but how great of an add would she be if she wound up living in New York?

Last on the check-in rounds is Sonja and true to form there’s a giant roll of carpet blocking the entrance to her townhouse. Like owner, like townhouse, there’s always a little part of it under construction. I honestly didn’t see much of a difference, aside from ripping out the carpet covered stairs and exposing more of the wood. But the rule for facelifts in general is that no one is supposed to notice, so I guess that goes for townhouses as well.

Sonja’s personal remodel is heads and shoulders above the townhouse’s

Later on we’re also shown a little preview of Luann’s Marry, Eff, Kill cabaret show. Neither Dorinda nor Ramona even showed up, so I’m not sure why we were required to attend. The best part about it was Sonja ripping on how stale it had gotten while at the same time showcasing how fresh her material always is. That’s true for the most part when she’s not stuck in a Morgan type warp.

Flame me all you want for this, but watching Leah’s family have forced conversation while making gingerbread houses was infinitely more boring than being forced to make them myself. At least I could have eaten a wall or a gum drop mailbox if I had been doing it in real life.

Finally we reach the climax, which if we aren’t kidding ourselves is the best part. Drag Queen Bingo. The actual queens did a much better job at styling themselves than the ladies. All Dorinda was missing was the mud mask and the cucumbers and she would’ve looked like Joan Crawford right before she screamed about wire hangers. (There’s foreshadowing in that sentence that’s just around the corner.) Luann looked like she was going to a Village People Revival and while Leah’s dress was a knockout, no self respecting drag queen would show up with Adidas on their paddies. Ramona gets the booby prize though, because not only did she not change up her look, but she brought a straight guy. My guess is that she refuses to have any gay male friends because she sees them as competition.

She came in like a wrecking ball, All she wanted was to break the 4th wall (Thanks, Miley!)

The party was a little ho-hum. Apparently they couldn’t get release rights for music and Bingo isn’t the favored game of seniors for nothing. Aside from the played out O-69 bit not much happened until Lu took the stage to sing. If you haven’t watched it yet, be sure to remove any pups you have in the room before playing it because….YOWZA! The dissonance between the auto-tuned backing vocals and her live one were howl worthy. And not in a good way.

The season ending wrap ups start to appear on screen and I’m left wanting. Is this it? This is how we celebrate the end of an era? Then I see it. That last little present that gets lost under the boughs of the Christmas tree catches my eye. Leah has the nerve, the audacity, the gall even to bring up a name that sends Dorinda right to epithet town…Tinsley. You’d have thought she’d spoken the moniker of some heinous dictator who taken millions of innocent lives rather than the taffeta clad real life Disney princess.

Dorinda screamed “Eff you” multiple times and like an opera singer who hits a note that turns a crystal goblet into shards, she absolutely shattered the fourth wall. Talking about breaches of contracts, almost ruining the show and on and on. Even the camera people who must see this all of the time looked stunned. As was Leah, who as recently as the Mexico trip said she’d never seen the side of Dorinda that everyone was so upset about. Well now she has, and we might just have our answer as to why Dorinda lost her apple.

Thank you for joining me this season. Looking forward to our next adventure together!

Full time housewife, mom, and grandma with more opinions than my family can handle, so I share them with the internet instead.

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