Real Housewives of New York City: Montezuma and Dorinda Exact Vengeance

A new day is dawning in Cancun, and what better way to begin it than with a couple of hot trainers. Trainers that are also geniuses, I might add, because within five seconds of meeting Dorinda they realize it is going to take a lot of energy to deal with these ladies. Energy, it seems, is in short supply though, because Ramona, Sonja, and Leah all opt to stay in bed rather than enjoy the testosterone-laden view. That might actually be a first for Ramona.

As Dorinda waits for anyone else to show up, she decides to teach the men Dorobics. Whether they’re just good sports in general or are being paid handsomely for their time and decide it’s worth it is up for debate, but they humor her and participate. As much as she may have wanted to, Luann can’t resist the triton-call of men panting and decides to join in. Dorinda’s constitutional arrives early and she’s forced to answer a different sort of call, leaving Luann in her element with two men to herself.

Dorinda refuses to let the women sleep any longer and Sonja wakes up in a tizzy either over her invitations she needs to send for her launch or because of the aftereffects of what she’s hiding under her pillow (Photo Below.) She’s happy to see Leah working on her laptop and they bond over the understanding that when you have a clothing line, there’s no such thing as a vacation. Luann, Ramona, and Dorinda come to the table and Dorinda chastises Sonja (even though Leah has two devices) about being present. Sonja expresses how much she enjoyed her birthday festivities but explains that she needs to get the invitations finished. Dotinda then goes ballistic, belittles how busy they are and declares she has her own things to do like getting her birthday invitations out.

You need a bigger hiding place for that, Sonja!

I don’t know about you all, but I would find the mood swings exhausting. The constant beating of an etiquette drum and a stop watch at the ready for activities does not sound like a vacation, it sounds like boot camp for biddies. Sonja and Ramona might be right, and hormones could be the culprit, but then find a good HRT doctor instead of a chiropractor life coach.

After breakfast Luann and Leah take a stroll on the beach and walk right into a couple of age appropriate Canadians. Leah’s afraid they might be a couple, but Luann’s convinced those are straight men’s shorts. I have no idea what that means and I’m not even going to begin to try and suss out the tone deafness, but they do wind up being single and interested, so they invite them on a tour of the house. The Montreal natives seem suspect at first (who could blame them) but Luann assures them they aren’t cartel members. Again…not touching this one.

At the sight of the men Ramona’s face lights up like a kid who was delivered a man shaped pile of candy. The gems from the beach share a drink with the ladies and accept invites to join them at Porfirio’s for dinner. 2 men, several overly-libidoed women….what could possibly go wrong?

When the time comes for the evening repast, the karma of Dorinda’s vengeance boomerangs in the form of Montezuma’s revenge. Suddenly Miss Bold and Blustery has become Miss Meek and Mustard Gassy. She opts to stay in since everything else in her wants out, and the ladies leave without her.

Sonja and Luann studying up on some new tricks.

The restaurant is very chic and Ramona in all her humility decides that it’s her kind of place. Drinks begin to flow into glasses that Allison DuBois would definitely put her stamp of imprimatur on. Phillip and Pascal actually show up and Ramona loses Round 1 when her favorite Phillip seats himself between Leah and Luann. Always one to make the most of what’s in front of her, she chats up Pascal and gets her reward when he assumes they are the same age. He’s forty-four, so he was only off by a few decades. Ramona does look great for her age though. I have a theory that she sold her soul to stay young-looking and that’s there’s a Dorian Grey type portrait hanging in the attic in the Hamptons. If you think about it, it explains not only her looks, but her soullessness.

The next morning Ramona greets Dorinda with coffee and videos of Leah and Phillip sucking face. I can’t quite decide if it was out of jealousy or if she was saving it for her own viewing later so she could pretend in her mind that it was her getting the action. Dr. Casanova made a house call and the meds he dispensed have made it possible for Dorinda to escort the ladies on their healing adventure. If anyone needs a little sage smudge and cleansing, it’s definitely this band of misfits.

Cenote

They travel to meet a shaman, who immediately performs a ceremony of protection. Per their hostess, it was to protect the women, but I think she was just being polite. After the ceremony they head to the cenote and I’m not exaggerating when I say this is probably the most jealous I’ve been of a housewife excursion in a while. It looked so gorgeous and peaceful, even with the bats…and I’m not talking about the ones hanging from the cave ceiling.

Peace never lasts long with these women though. At a lunch right after their spiritual high, they hit a very human low when Dorinda takes a call from Hannah and stays at the table during her conversation. Sonja is quick to point out the hypocrisy after Dorinda’s breakfast scold. Luann -making the best of all of that time she lived in Switzerland- sees the compromise and understands taking the call, but thinks Dorinda should have walked away. And Ramona pounces on the moment she’s been waiting for to call Dorinda out and turns on the waterworks and voice of distress for emphasis. Leah’s only ballsy enough to deride Dorinda in a confessional and out-Switzerlands Luann. Meanwhile Dorinda turns into a mocking, raging, lunatic that might actually make Montezuma afraid to revisit ever again.

We’ll rappel off of this cliffhanger next week. Hope you’ll join me then!

Full time housewife, mom, and grandma with more opinions than my family can handle, so I share them with the internet instead.

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