Real Housewives of New York City: The Jerkshires

After eight months, the renovations on Blue Stone Manor are finally complete. Dorinda decides to invite the ladies up for the weekend to see the Old Lady’s new facelift. Unfortunately none of the women are answering her calls. She’s five for five at going straight to voicemail and is beginning to wonder if Ramona was right after all and she really is a loser.

Back in the city, Elyse pops by Sonja’s apartment and Sonja just happens to have a copy of the Blue Book on her window sill so she can regale Elyse with tales of Dorinda’s ignorance about Sonja’s inclusion in it. Sonja assumed everyone knew about the Blue Book, as well as the fact that she’s in it, and that it can’t be taken away from her. I’ve got news for you Sonja…that book won’t buy you a Venti latte. It may hold value to you and that’s fine, but most people don’t care about that classist nonsense. The only Blue Book of value to me is the Kelley version where I can find out how much of a trade-in price I can expect on my car.

Value is in the eye of the beholder

Elyse isn’t interested either. What’s on her mind is how much Sonja remembers about Halloween, so she can use it as a segue to complain about Ramona. Apparently she tried to catch up with Ramona at Omar’s party to make sure she was okay after the Dorinda blow up at Luann’s shindig. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I agree with Ramona. If you aren’t going to defend me in the moment on camera, why bother checking on me when the cameras are down at a different party. I don’t think Elyse has to blindly follow Ramona and support her, but pick a side of your mouth to talk out of. Ramona’s a mean-spirited ditz, but she’s no dummy. She can see duplicity coming from a mile away because she practically invented it.

While we’re on the subject of Ramona, she meets up with Luann and Leah for a bit of shopping. Leah’s realizing that she may be younger, but these women are old enough to have built up stronger constitutions when it comes to alcohol. You’re running with the big dogs now, girl. Better hollow out one of your legs if you want to keep up. Luann and Leah both use the opportunity to bring up the fight Ramona had with Dorinda. Ramona thinks Dorinda really isn’t mad at her, but just going through delayed grieving over Richard. Leah and Luann think Ramona’s underestimating how upsetting it was for her to use Dorinda and Sonja as photo op props for Larry Scott. Suffice it to say, Ramona refuses to think that has anything to with it.

Back at Blue Stone, Dorinda is training her housekeeper Len on how to say “No” to any request Ramona may propose during her stay. Len gets it wrong at first, but eventually settles on script about Blue Stone not being a hotel that Dorinda approves of. Len may have taken the lesson a little too much to heart though, because when Leah and Sonja arrive and knock (and ring the doorbell) they’re left standing on the front stoop. After a few minutes of no one coming to let them in, they finally walk around back and come into through a door that isn’t locked.

Welcome to Dorinda’s Getting Your Employee To Exact Your Revenge Ted Talk

Dorinda is happy to see them and begins to take them around to show them all of the renovations that have been done. I’ll just say that Dorinda’s taste isn’t mine. Bright purple furniture, lime green walls, straw carpets…it’s an eclectic hot mess, not unlike it’s owner. About halfway through the tour it dawns on her that she’s being a total hypocrite after complaining about touring Ramona’s friend’s home in the Hamptons and stops the tour abruptly. Funny how double standards rear their heads like that. Almost as if it was by karmic design.

I had to laugh as Ramona and Luann pulled up and Ramona talked about how she thought it was beautiful and loved the “foilage.” The ever shady editors didn’t let her fake foliage admiration slide as they pan to several shots of leafless trees strewn among the evergreens. While she may not pronounce things correctly, she certainly knows how to start off on the right foot and comes bearing flowers and sans Coco as not to have any more carpet soiling reruns.

Dorinda shows Luann and Ramona around, again forgetting that showing a home is tacky in her estimation, and brings Luann to her room for the weekend which just so happens to be the former fish room. Instead of being on the wall, the baby shark is now in Lu’s bed and Lu goes in for a cuddle. Ramona isn’t left out when it comes to aquatic bedmates and finds the swordfish in her bed, and proceeds to do something bizarrely inappropriate with the the poor fish’s point. Probably the first time the fish was glad it was dead.

I’m sure Lu’s slept with worse creatures.

I was happy to see that Luann knew the score when she realized Dorinda had invited Elyse primarily to have another adversary to go against Ramona. Things have gotten to the point where Ramona has actually unfollowed Elyse on social media. Since she was unable to see a snarky post Elyse had published, Leah made sure to share it with her…after liking it of course. It seems like everyone has Ramona square in their sights this weekend, and even though it’s Ramona and she probably has it coming, I really hate gang-ups. I’m tired of seeing grown women act like packs of jackals.

From the moment Elyse arrives, Dorinda is on a mission to turn the key on her personal vengeance wind up toy. For someone who only last week accused Ramona of reveling in schadenfreude, Dorinda is the very definition of that characteristic. As Ramona tries to settle things with Elyse in another room, all of the other women soon follow and treat it like a spectator sport. Ramona attempts to relocate again, and puts on her slow and deliberate baby voice. Elyse knows all of Ramona’s ploys though and stands her ground, causing Ramona to flee. As quickly as the tension flared up it fizzled out though and hugs and lap sitting ensued.

Dorinda was mildly disappointed that Elyse gave up so quickly even though Dorinda herself had. Maybe Dorinda just didn’t want her hands to be quite as dirty as they were with Tinsley. Her joy in the sorrow of others was transformed in to anger at the sorrow of Sonja after Luann and Sonja got into it over pay-for-play cabaret. Everyone is shocked that Luann only paid Sonja two hundred and twenty-five dollars to be in the show. Sonja feels like she’s being exploited and upon hearing that Luann’s mouth shot off like a Space Force rocket.

Luann not only kicked Sonja out of her show, but went on one of her notorious diva tirades. She went on about how she didn’t need Sonja and she was basically throwing her a bone. She also said that Sonja was worthless and there was no chance that Sonja was going to try and act like she was the star, because Luann was. The show ends there and I’m wondering if it’s just me, or does it feel like even the new shows are reruns? Next week seems to be the same regurgitation of old feuds, as Dorinda is slurring once again about Luann’s mugshot. Lather, rinse, repeat…but I still hope you’ll join me.

Full time housewife, mom, and grandma with more opinions than my family can handle, so I share them with the internet instead.

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