Vanderpump Rules: A Future without Botox

Early on we’re transported years into the future and meet Hal (Jax), Maurice (Sandoval), Nico (Schwartz), and Luke (Beau.) Never one to miss an opportunity to overdo the heck out of a theme, Sandoval has hired movie quality make-up artists to transform the guys into elderly versions of themselves so they can sneak into the strip-club portion of Brittany’s bachelorette. Savor it now though, because these guys aren’t ever going to give up on Botox and procedures to keep them looking young in real life. I have to bestow props on the artists; aside from Beau, they were pretty unrecognizable.

Flashing back to present-day L.A. we’re reintroduced to Danica, who has managed to avoid any shoving or re-suspensions. Lisa is prepping her for how crazy pride might become. We’ll see next week if she shines or dims in her role.

Back to Miami mayhem and girl-on-girl booty shaking, boob rattling, and Ariana flinging furniture money at Brittany, who, ironically, has seating in her living room. The guys are walking in and I can’t help but laugh that Hal & Nico are wearing the same shirt. A short trip to Boca and you could’ve avoided that fashion faux pas.

Katie is the first to notice the subterfuge, likely because in the presence of half-naked women gyrating in front of them, the guys revert to their normal voices.  My first moment of agreement with Ariana this season…we are both horrified but impressed by the artistry. I became rapidly more horrified as I watched each young lady pair up with their elderly mate. They might as well be back in California. 

Schwartz in tidy whities is a vision worthy of the neuralyzer from Men In Black, but his dance for Katie sets the stage for her to stir the cauldron. She fills him in on Ariana’s newest scapegoat for the book-signing brouhaha and he’s shocked to discover it’s him. She goes on to tell him she doesn’t want to get into his business relationship, while she sits her fanny precisely in the middle of said relationship.  Some things never change.

Back in L.A., Lisa discusses Pride with Max at TomTom and seems surprised that James will be DJ-ing. This beggars belief to me and is one of those situations where I’m reminded I’m watching reality TV and not reality.

Over at SUR, Danica tries to issue Dayna a friendly Max-related warning. She tells Dayna about Adriana’s experience on her 30th birthday, wherein Max shuffles off after the party to canoodle with one of Adriana’s friends and then ghosts her. Dayna is once again THAT chick who sees it all as jealousy, despite her own firsthand knowledge of how many SURvers Max has bedded. She says she’ll be fine, with an “I told you so” later.  I’m holding her to that.

In Miami, we’re served what the preview had us salivating for…the showdown between Schwartz and Sandoval, while still dressed as Maurice and Nico. Schwartz comes in strong and Sandoval counters with yet another reason why Schwartz was irresponsible. He risked the business by serving alcohol without food.  Schwartz tells him there was a cook there with burners on and Sandoval would’ve known it had he been there. He rises to a glorious crescendo by saying that Sandoval is the King of “I’m sorry, but” complete with a montage thrown in by production as proof. He goes on to say that apologies are a formality for Sandoval to get to why he was actually right. Sensing a disturbance in the force, Ariana jumps in to defend Sandoval, who shushes her and then tells Schwartz he’s right. And that’s all it takes for Schwartz. An Ariana sandwich with what looks like two stale old pieces of bread and all is right with the partners again.

The morning after, we catch a glimpse of Kristen looking like Quasimodo’s long- lost granddaughter. In the era of nanotech, can they not come up with mic packs that work with these skimpy wardrobes?

In L.A., Max drops by Dayna’s and she relays the information Danica shared with her. Lies, lies, lies, sayeth Pinocchio, as his nose grows with each protestation. He even pulls out the disgusting SURvers vs. Manager of TomTom power card. Annnnnd, Dayna buys it. Women who aren’t even past conquests of the wooden boy-man all shake their collective heads and roll their eyes.

We wrap up in Miami with the end of their trip and get some beach and pool time with the gang. (Side note:ย  I wish we had seen more of Scheana and Peter.ย  Am I the only one shipping them? They’d need two bathrooms for sure or at minimum a double sink, eight outlet surge protectors and at least two flat irons.) At the final celebration, giant heads are on display, which is kind of appropriate for a multi-day party for one wedding. But I digress. At the end of the party, Kristen and Stassi talk things out and hopefully, even her haters realize that Stassi is showing some real growth. She’s not cutting Kristen out, she just felt lied to and wants authenticity between them. Tears and hugs finish off the show and friendships seem in a much better place…for now.

Be sure to check out this week’s podcast:

6 thoughts on “Vanderpump Rules: A Future without Botox”

  1. What an accurate & hilarious commentary Jen! Again, you gave an honest yet witty play by play of a bunch of wild and definitely crazy group of people! Keep โ€˜um coming-Iโ€™m enjoying this more than the actual shows!๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜‚

  2. Spot on! Jen, such an accurate account, of these โ€œExtraโ€ over the top cast of VPR. You had me nodding my head & saying yes, while also laughing. You were born for this. Totally Awesome. Looking forward to your next one. Keep them coming & We would Love your take on our other Favorite Bravo shows.

    1. Thank you so much, Lily. I like to give credit where it’s due and not hold past mistakes against them. Plus it’s nice seeing a little bit of growth for a change on our shows, right?

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