Vanderpump Rules: I Can’t, I Can’t, I Cannnnn’t

The blog title has nothing to do with anything that happened in the episode. It’s the bellowing of my inner Ramona Singer at what didn’t happen. We still haven’t had the wedding and at this point…I can’t with this show. These nuptials have gone on longer that an actual Royal Wedding with real royalty. Considering I’d be hard pressed to call the now Cauchis reality royals even, I just don’t get it. I’ll break down what did happen though, and will try not to melt down completely in the process.

What says pre-ceremony activities like a murder mystery? Um, literally anything else. Only Stassi sees the brilliance of combining murder and marriage. Keep in mind that I’m an Investigation Discovery addict and do paranormal investigations for fun, and I still think this is stupid. Stassi is in her element though, or so one would think. She immerses herself in her investigator role peppering the suspects with questions. In the end when it came down to solving the mystery, the Basic B was defeated by Lauryn’s non-questioning butt. We can have an ID marathon if you want Stas, and I’ll train you up right.

After the faux death we move on to a 10 year friendship dying right before our very eyes. Lala, Stassi, and Katie are all kvetching about Carter and why he’s Kristen’s date. There’s a lot of dissent about this on social media, but I really do see both sides. Yes, if they were loyal and good friends the girls should support Kristen throughout her relationship, even during the confusing parts of it. However, I personally have been subjected to friends who complain about the same thing over and over to the point where I want to shove a pencil through my eardrums. It’s exhausting to care for someone more than they care for themselves. Making zero effort to change your behavior and choices in order to change your circumstances is also draining for your friends. Friends want to help you be your best self and to grow and find happiness. At some point you get tired of banging your head against a brick wall. And in this circumstance, Kristen is being thick as a brick.

We fly back to visit the stragglers left behind in LA and see Quasi-Stassi Dayna talk to fellow SURver Adriana about Max. Apparently Tom Tom’s greasy manager has managed to get caught in a compromising scene with a brunette beauty who Adriana describes as THOT-y. Are we shocked? Personally I rank this on par with the predictability of Old Faithful, or in his case Young FBoy. Since we didn’t get to hear “I do’s” this episode, they at least threw me a bone and allowed me to hear Dayna say, “Everyone ended up being right about Max.” Thank you, FauxStassi. Apology accepted.

Back in the bluegrass, Brittany is wishing Jax was at the bar with them, but he decided to stay back at the castle. He discusses that he wants to be with the spirit of his dad who he feels is there with him and he wants to make him proud. It was actually a touching moment in my opinion. Having lost my father as well, I understand how milestones that are missed by him can be somber, and present a need for time alone.

At the bar Kristen approaches Beau since she’s seeing no inroads with Stassi and Katie. She’s upset that Beau has become distant with her even though they were friends before he and Stassi started dating. Beau rightfully tells her that his focus is on Stassi and building their relationship and that Stassi is his number one right now. Kristen is visibly annoyed by that, which is bizarre to me at first, and then I remember that Kristen hasn’t found a guy yet who’s willing to do that. It probably seemed like a completely alien concept.

The next morning the urn arrives for Jax’s dad’s cremains. I sincerely don’t mean to be disrespectful, but it looks like it could be confused for a hotel ice bucket. Taste is subjective though and Jax thinks it looks great.

Lots of little convos between the couples about the night before. They’re mostly Kristen-related and we find out that she’s the only person Schwartz has ever wanted to murder. If they were going to do a murder mystery this trip, they should have had Kristen play the victim because it seems like everyone else in this group aside from Scheana feels like they have a motive.

The only real bombshell to be found amongst the ashes is when we find out that Tom & Katie aren’t legally married. They managed somehow to lose the certificate before filing it. I can’t believe it took us two years to find out this little tidbit and that they haven’t rectified the situation in the ensuing 730 days since. Slacker, thy name is Schwartz.

The showdown between Max & Dayna happens on Dayna’s couch. She confronts him directly and new info is added. It seems that the other woman is from San Diego and she moved up here…wait for it…to be with Max. I totally think it’s true, because Max kind of outed it when he queries, “Did she tell you that?” Max insists that he’s trying to extricate himself from the girl’s grasp so he can be with Dayna. WannaStassi isn’t buying it and calls it quits and goes in the other room to retrieve his necklace. She dunks it in her toilet and then rolls it around in her cat’s litter box. Pretty much sums up why germs spread faster in the big city. So gross.

The night before the wedding the gang all gets together at a speak easy in Lexington during their Pride celebration. Rand arrives with Lala and he brings probably the best wedding gift ever with him: Lisa and Ken. The funeral for Lisa’s mom has been postponed a week and Lisa wanted to be there, especially for Jax since his mother won’t be. They shared a sweet moment together that had me misty, but Jax had to ruin it by pointing out the irony of Pride going on after the pastor kerfuffle. You’re up in a room above it, not there to be a part of it. I hardly think that can be seen as an evidentiary representation of your lack of bigotry. Whether you are or aren’t, this isn’t proof.

Stassi fills Lisa in on Katie and Schwartz’s singlehood, and Lisa points out that she put more effort into their wedding than they did. They look out the window to see Beau line dancing…sort of…with a group of people at Pride. Stassi loves his goofiness and abandon and notes that he makes everything better and happier, which is the complete opposite of who she is.

We round out the show with the last of the festivities. (Totally not sure if I’m buying it, but I did see a gown in the preview.) Twerking in onesies for the girls and drinking ladle shots served by Sir Ladles-A-Lot for the guys. Set me up with a row of ’em, Beau. I feel like by next week I’ll need them, because this is far afield from Camelot.

Don’t forget to check out Brianna and Jordan’s breakdown of last week’s episode at: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/24-vanderpump-rules-s8-episode-9-if-youre-going-to/id1482301675?i=1000467844808