Vanderpump Rules: Scents of Shame, Desperation and Denial

No better way to cure a shame hangover than to drive to Venice Beach and show off how few skateboarding tricks you remember. Schwartz figured out with a shinjury that he’s no spring chicken anymore. He can, however, be a raging jerk when he’s drunk. Unlike many of his castmates though, he’ll readily admit it and apologize. Jax, on the other hand, would rather make sweeping statements about it being inevitable that there will be drama if the women are present. Pretty rich coming from a guy who’s caused more of it than many of the women combined.

Next up we hang with the newer crew plus Ariana at axe throwing. Raquel was straight-up impressive with her bullseye, and her bad axe b!tch pun. My first thought was whether or not Kristen would steal it for her James Mae line considering their history. I personally think that Bambi is losing her fawn spots and is ready to run with the big does.

Doe, a deer, a female deer

I can’t figure the Brett and Dayna pairing out. It simultaneously feels completely organic and totally manufactured. SURvers are notorious for bedding their co-workers as we’ve witnessed for years now, so that part makes sense. But when you throw in how close Brett and Max are, and how tense Dayna and Scheana are, it seems like a set-up for drama. Trying not to be too judge-y about it, but we can add the smell of shenanigans to the title.

Brief side bar: Charli recommending The Cheesecake Factory to customers while SURving is all of the proof I need that her elevator doesn’t go to the penthouse.

Lisa is back from her mother’s funeral in London and Guillermo is getting her up to speed with what happened while she was away. The biggest snafu involved Danica charging the wrong table’s bill to another customer’s card. Oh, and for the cherry on top of that screw-up sundae, she only had two tables to begin with. All throughout Lisa’s attempts to give her advice, Danica would not shut up. It’s hard for any of us to buy that you don’t have an attitude when it oozes from every pore. Snap out of the denial and soften up if you want to make a go in the hospitality industry.

Schwartz and Katie have the “morning after” conversation and I almost spit out my frapp when Tom told her to stop being an SJW. I’m all for social justice, but I’m not for people co-opting the pain of others as their own. Now that he’s apologized for HOW he spoke to her, I can firmly be on Team Tom again, because Katie not only overreacted, but wouldn’t even acknowledge it. Feel how you feel, but don’t be an Eeyore and bring everyone else down.

Give it a rest, Katie

The Witches of Weho are reunited, but only for business purposes to plan a party to hawk the rest of their wine. Stassi is back to her old self in dreaming of dictatorships where her way is the only way. Lisa drops by the table and mentions the upcoming trip to Vegas without completely showing all of the second wedding cards. Kristen ears perk up, but she refrains from digging for details, at least for now.

Brett and Dayna meet up for lunch and they’re both so deep…if we’re comparing them to puddles anyway. Who knows, maybe they’re actually Mensa candidates and I’m the dummy, but people who try to come off profound while sounding anything but bore me. Dayna was much more honest in her confessional when she admitted she liked Brett for his abs.

Katie and Schwartz have become Beau’s secret keepers when it comes to ironing out final details for the proposal he’s been planning for six months. I’ve heard rumblings that the ring options aren’t actually family heirlooms, but I haven’t seen any proof of it, so I’ll just say Mazel Tov on scoring some beautiful freebies. Beau definitely has Stassi’s number in deciding to propose at a graveyard while scoping out mausoleums. Nothing says love in her world like death. Hopefully she won’t let Brittany help her plan it though or we’ll be treated to The Corpse Bride Pt. 2 next season.

Stassi’s Dream Wedding

Scheana doesn’t have much going on this season outside of egg freezing and filling Kristen in on all the deets she’s left out of. She had a bone thrown her way with the conversation with Dayna about Brett. I really wish she would just say what we all see written across her face like a Post Malone tattoo. She’d be far more likeable if she started being a truth-teller.

Stassi and Beau have a date night and of course marriage is the topic even though Beau has requested multiple times that it not be. It’s going to happen, so I don’t get why Stassi is acting so desperate about it. It’s not a good look on anyone; male or female. I’ll know she’s actually changed her ways when she stops trying to control everything within a stone’s throw of her universe. It will be an utterly exhausting life for her if she doesn’t learn to loosen the reins and go with the flow.

The show wraps up by celebrating Dayna’s birthday and my main takeaway is this: nothing says L.A. and their hatred of carbs more than that teeny tiny cake for a gazillion people. At least Gigi Hadid’s was normal-sized even though she barely ate it. There’s only two of us celebrating mine in quarantine this Saturday and I got a 10-slice cheesecake. Live a little, people. The way most of them ran from it as it was being smashed into faces, you’d think it was corona-laced.

Next week we see Stassi dressed as a nun to preside over the Schwartz’s second nuptials. Like we haven’t had enough wedding stuff to deal with already. I’d like to say I’ll be waiting with bated breath, but it’s really just regular breath. In spite of that I still hope you’ll join me!

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