Vanderpump Rules: The Lies We Tell Ourselves

It may seem like an odd title for a blog about a wedding that finally came to pass, but it works on so many levels. The first of them being the lie I told myself that once we got past the never-ending nuptials, this show would be great again. That whopper has pegged out the False-Meter. Let’s see if we can rewind and see where it all went wrong.

It’s the Cauchi’s wedding day and as they prepare we’re treated to Lance Bass and Lisa doing a mock vow run through. Lisa proves the theory that all British citizens can do excellent Southern accents. Her Brittany was priceless. It makes perfect sense now that half the cast of The Walking Dead hail from her neighborhood. Lisa doesn’t stop there though. She manages to muster up a deeper tone complete with the effects of multiple reconstructions on a septum to impersonate Jax. A long description for a very short clip, but this was one of my true laughs of the night, at least if we’re talking about moments where I should be laughing.

One where I shouldn’t have gotten the church giggles was Lisa’s avowal that Jax had changed. That’s definitely more than a little white lie that she’s telling herself. Permanent change requires will and introspection and I’m not sure Jax is capable of that. While he says some of the right things to make us think growth has occurred, he all too easily slips back into old habits which we’ll see happen very soon.

Our third lying lips are attached to Kristen. Hers are so convoluted and ever- changing that she probably has ten or twelve in any given episode. I, for one, don’t have the patience to decipher them all, so we’ll just encompass them under the “Carter is my best friend ever” umbrella. I’m pretty sure that if I lobbied for my best friend Fairy to be a guest at a wedding I was attending, that I would not be rolling my eyes from my turret perch as she wandered around a parking lot. Couple (or uncouple…who knows) that with the fact that by the end of the episode they’re sleeping in the same bed, and it’s all but certain that this distortion deepens.

Lies aren’t only happening in the Bluegrass State though. The Golden State possess a mine full of them as well. The prime purveyor with a pick axe for prevarication is Dayna. She tells a lulu to Danica and Raquel at lunch. It seems that after researching the multiple Jones eateries, she discovered an error in her decision about Max. She thought he went to the romantic Jones restaurant complete with lobster and Italian food. As it turns out, Max dined with his beauty at a brunch spot. So of course that means Max didn’t cheat after all. HUH? I’m with Danica on this one. Chances are it was a post hook-up meal rather than a prelude to the deed. Danica may be dumb enough to drink and drive, but I’ll take her theory over Dayna’s anyway because it’s actually plausible.

Jetting back to Kentucky and you’d think the dishonesty would stop since we’re witnessing actual vows before God. No such luck is to be had, and Jax (or Jason, as were temporarily referring to him) tells a dilly in front of friends and family when he says he wanted to marry Brittany from the moment he met her. It’s on film for crying out loud! It took you years to work up the desire to even want to get married. It may seem like an insignificant lie to create a beautiful moment, but if you can’t be honest in the most sacred of bonds, you better get used to your backside feeling like a Florida Swamp just like Beau. Hell doesn’t have A/C after all.

After the I do’s the party moves to a tent and to the longest toast on record. Schwartz’s salute to the bride and groom makes Kristen’s speech from Katie & Tom’s uncertified union seem positively pithy. The lie Tom told himself was that it was funny to be that crass in the Bible Belt, and also that if he kept talking it would get better and funnier.

Keeping with the theme of overdoing, the first reception is followed by a second more casual Hooter’s themed one. Lisa and Ken were the only ones who seemed unwilling to go along with the fable that having buxom beauties at your post wedding bash is a good idea. Tom Sandoval is twisting up tall tales of his own as he attempts to replace Timberlake in Minister Bass’s troupe. He channeled his inner Tom Cruise and slid all over the castle floors. In addition to the lie meter, my secondhand embarrassment meter is also pegged out.

Back in L.A., Max (King of the Spider-people) is weaving his own web of lies as Dayna attempts to get them back on track. I’m guessing Dayna has never studied up on tells, because Max’s darting eyes and nose touching are big ones. I firmly believe that he was hooking up with Ms. THOT and that his refusal to get back with Dayna isn’t due to not wanting to fight. It’s more likely due to the fact that he’s already got Valissa lined up to warm up the sheets on Dayna’s cold side of the bed.

If you think I’m a pessimist at this point, I’ll understand, but the closing of the show proves that naysayers can be right sometimes. It’s mere hours after the celebration ended and Jason in some sort of reverse werewolf transformation becomes Jax again in the light of day. He’s scurrying around the castle rousting everyone from their slumber to let them know that the fairy tale ends approximately 11 hours later Cinderella’s did and coincides (not coincidentally) with checkout time. You’d think a wedding planner might have thought to take one of the myriad of days prior to the wedding and trade it out for an extra day on the end so everyone could slow things down and savor the memories for a bit. But there I go again, telling a lie to myself that people actually use common sense.

From the previews it looks like more fiction and falsity will reveal itself in the latter part of the season. Hope you’ll tune in next week and help me untangle the fabrications.

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