Vanderpump Rules: The Old softBall and Chain

Like a puppy who just got reprimanded for chewing on designer shoes, Stassi sheepishly enters the apartment bearing apologies, some much needed humility, and macaroni and cheese. Katie and Lala called her out on her behavior the night before and told her how ridiculous she was being to Beau at the wine launch. Stassi tells Beau that her anger was misdirected and toddles off to the kitchen to prepare some cheesy carbohydrate goodness. In reality it’s all a ploy to make sure Beau is still going mausoleum shopping with her. She just chose to cheese him up versus butter.

Even the mausoleum hunt is a ploy of sorts. Stassi feels that if she gets Beau to purchase one with her, they’ll not only be committed in this life, but in the afterlife as well. Beau arranged for one of his friends to place the ring near a bench by the pond. He’s panicking that Stassi might have seen his friend, and also that he hasn’t seen him, and that the ring might be stolen. He’s basically in a full blown flop sweat and rushes Stassi over to the spot he picked out. Crisis averted. (It’s TV after all, they could reshoot if there was one.) The little brass urn is there and he gets on one knee and proposes. You can almost see an instant transformation in Stassi, and I hope to heck that it sticks. The feeling of security can do wonders for the soul, as we’re all finding out the hard way in the absence of it.

Clark Mausoleum at Hollywood Forever Cemetery

Stassi’s special day keeps getting better when Beau tells her that Lisa has a party planned at Villa Rosa right after to celebrate their engagement. Lala and Katie show up first and it’s commando-gate all over again. It’s one thing not to wear them, it’s a whole other ball of bikini wax to flash and advertise when Ken is only a few feet away. You can take the girl out of Utah, but you can’t take the attention-whoring exhibitionist out of the girl.

Lala’s lack of tact continues as she phones Kristen. Kristen is crushed because she found out about the engagement on social media. Under the pretext of checking to make sure she’s okay, Lala rubs freshly ground salt in Kristen’s wounds by telling her she had a place at the table until the wine launch blow up. This is one of those moments where I’m calling bologna on production. You can set up a fake place setting and give us screen shots of Carter’s rude text all you want, but Kristen was never going to truly get an invite. Stassi has made her wishes clearer than Lisa’s Waterford Crystal goblets.

Some unexpected guests do make the roster though as Beau adds one more surprise to the list and flies in Stassi’s family to celebrate. I’m having the reverse reaction of everyone when it comes to Nikolai though. Maybe it’s because he was always such an old soul in a kid’s body, but he’s aging at a snail’s pace in my brain. When I look at all of the Real Housewives’ children that are in college now, in my head he should be Doogie Howsering it at some medical hospital in the Midwest.

Tell me you don’t see it

Production uses the “oh, you’re so grown” opportunity to pull some Scheananigans. Every question Scheana asked him was one any aunt or uncle who had no idea how to communicate with a kid would ask. But splicing it with a confessional about the youngest age she’d date, along with the fact that Scheana is an epic flirt with almost all males, made it look more shameless and sordid than it really was.

The morning after, Stassi is still basking in the glow of engagement. She shares that she thought she’d be a really chill fiancee. I can almost guarantee that she’s the only person who ever thought that. Chill and Stassi go together like jalapeƱos and mascara. She’s already envisioning a destination wedding in Italy and assures Beau that he won’t have to do a thing when it comes to planning.

Kristen gets a token segment thrown her way as a sort of booby prize for being shut out. Jax (The Lawnmower Man pre-introduction to Pierce Brosnan’s character) is happy to do some yardwork and school us on the benefits of Bermuda grass, while Brittany consoles Kristen. Kristen had to give the dogs to Carter so they wouldn’t pick up on her vibes. That’s so very L.A. that my Ohio nature can’t really process it, so we’ll move on to Carter’s text. Jax has it on his phone and reads it aloud. Kristen’s response is why I can’t ever fully back her, much to the chagrin of most of my friends on social media. The fact that she found it swoon worthy hits me wrong. If she had been on the receiving end of it, she would have been railing about how unfair it was.

We are members of the All American League, we come from cities near and far…

With all of the engagement talk out of the way, we get to the softball game. Both teams are in all black, so it’s hard to follow without the assistance of the chyrons at the bottom of the screen. We do find out something I thought was very cool. Scheana’s great aunt Shirley Burkovich was an original Rockford Peach. As a huge A League of Their Own fan, that’s one name drop I admired.

TomTom takes the lead early, but considering Katie is only there for the sunflower seeds and SUR’s team is actually stacked with people who’ve played before, the writing is on the wall. SUR wins and to add literal injury to insult, Ariana whacks herself in the face when she tosses her bat McEnroe style and it bounces back into her teeth. She got a cool selfie out of it though, so all’s well that ends well.

Next week Stassi pretends to care about Dayna’s love triangle and Jax is back to raging. Hope to see you then!

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