Vanderpump Rules: Triangles And Infinite Lines

The title may have you wondering what the heck I’m thinking, but this isn’t a geometry lesson. I promise. As Lala pointed out at Ariana’s birthday party, “No one here is a grammar coach,” and that holds true for mathletes as well. But before we get too far into the episode, let’s begin at the beginning.

The holiday is upon us! No, not the wedding. We have to wait another week for that. I mean the annual birthday rite of the KINO (Khalessi in name only.) At a breakfast meet up with Beau, Katie and Schwartz, Stassi shares that she doesn’t want to focus on her birthday, because she has her sister’s wedding coming up and the #JaxGotItWright nuptials this week. As she grimaces and rolls her eyes when the manager brings her a birthday treat, I’m wondering who is this baby dragon? I know not everyone enjoys her fire, but I’m an Aries. I’m bound and birthed in flames…the stars don’t lie, so I need her heat back.

Unlike Stassi, Ariana IS up for celebrating as she’s trying to learn how to navigate the highs and lows of life with depression. She wants to find the balance (which I commend her on) and do it without drowning. Not drowning herself in alcohol is my best tip. Not to be a scold, but it’s a depressant. Moderation isn’t a four letter word. Other people may like you when you’re drunk, but you liking yourself and your life is the priority right now.

At the party the topic shockingly enough isn’t Arianna’s birth, but the wedding. I swear somehow Brittany convinced Bravo to do a Princess Bride and Never Ending Story hybrid. Can we actually make it to the finish line? And who will be standing there and in what order? Long story as short as I can make it: Jax & Sandoval make up. Sandoval is a best man, but standing behind Schwartz. The End. (Don’t I wish?)

It does bring us back to the title though, and it’s all about the triangles. The major drama that occurs on this show always seems to be when a triangle is involved. While I’ve been assuming forever that the Toms are besties and Jax was the third angle out in left field, Jax sees it differently. In his mind he and Schwartz are BFF’s with equal legs and angles while Sandoval is the odd man out in this Isosceles.

Scheana, Brett, and Charli present us with our next one. The obtuse. Double Entendre of dimwittedness intended. Call me crazy, but it seems like Scheana is angling her way out of this one, not that I can blame her. Triangles are bad unless they come in their rarest form in life…the equilateral. In that rare bird, all lengths are the same and so are the angles. It’s as rare in friendships as steak tartare is on a plate.

In the end these three angles (including Charli’s) all decide they’re better off as straight lines going in different directions. In retrospect, none of them really wants the other. I did have to laugh at Brett, though, saying that the drama surrounding the non-date date was why he can’t be friends with women. Of course he ignores the obvious fact that his miscommunication, gossiping, and being an Italian going for a chick who’s never eaten pasta may have had something to do with it falling apart.

Speaking of falling apart, onto the James & Raquel drama. Raquel got so lit, she could’ve been a ring light for practically any Real Housewife’s social media video. She fails to answer multiple texts from James, so what does White Kanye do? He drinks. Genius right there. His texts get increasingly more abusive and rude, so what better way to resolve it than for Raquel to show it to everyone at SUR? Brilliant. I stand in awe. Not saying she shouldn’t talk to her friends, but these girls barely know her and most hate James. Thankfully she finally has the discussion with the proper person a few days later and sets her boundaries. Good for her. Etch them in stone though, not in sand, because Ariana is right when she says that after a while those words can become how you see yourself.

At long last we’re whisked to a castle in the Bluegrass State. I know y’all are probably rolling your eyes like crazy, but I do think it’s a beautiful venue. Having lived my whole life in the state next door, I enjoy Kentucky…and yes, even beer cheese. That said, aside from the ever thickening accent, Brittany isn’t really a poster child for Kentucky so the hate for the state in general is unnecessary. Let the festivities commence! But, thanks to evil editing warlocks, we’ve run out of time.

So we put a pin in that faraway land of fairy tales whose endings are questionable. Wherein all things, aside from Lala’s white dress and doggie doody, are what we’d expect. Sandoval’s a little in his feelings about being relocated, because how can he show us his expert umbrella holding skills from way back there? I personally have no need of his services, but the 1-800-TSANDY (albeit short one number) was pretty entertaining. I especially enjoyed Self deprecating Scheana and the “Divorced” stamp.

Next week we will finally, hopefully get to the nuptials of Jax and Brittany and the impending break up of the underwhelming, did-they-even-go-on-a-real-date, lackluster duo of Max and Dayna. Silly me thinking they were going to last forever! Hope to see you then.

Leave a Reply